Aura of recapitulation!

2006-11-19T00:45:00.000+05:00

Darkness, light,
is this everything?,
people standing,mist, lights,
It's cold... real cold.

Walking a road that never ends,
slipping over a bridge with no depth,
where am I? , where are you?
It's cold.. real cold.

Water turns to snow,
thin icicles hold truth,
they break, truth dies?
wheres the warmth I yearn?,
it's cold... real cold.

And then I close my eyes,
and there you stand,
with your eyes lit like the sun,
you smile and look my way,
it's cold nomore.

Shivers of finesse,
I open my eyes,
30 degrees,but still..
It's cold.. so very cold..

2006-07-08T03:04:00.000+05:00

A night swims in tears,
and light shines bright,
brand new day, brand new vow.

Walk on.

A path of stones,
and trees many,
I will fall, I will cry.

Walk on.

A bloodless soul,
and shattered dreams,
nightmares, frightening?.

Walk on.

A flying soul,
and clouds across,
wind chimes and rainbows.

Walk on.

A jailbird,
and cut wires,
chants of freedom,
gunshots.

Walk on.

You're free!!!

"A fugitive, from start to finish, chocolates to gunshots, black to white, back in sight...walk on..the spirit transcends..walk on.."

2006-04-30T17:55:00.000+05:00

Hope is not a lie, lies are not real, time does pass, we do fall, we do suffer, but silence has a limit, it ends, it has to, it does, it will??!!!

http://http://knumb.com/naqsh/hashim%20and%20hassan/hashimandhasan-silent.mp3

Vocals:- Hassan Alam
Guitars/Words:- Hashim Nauman
Drums:- Wasim Kamal
Bass:- Jonathan.

Recorded and produced by Sarmad Ghafoor at S&M studios.

Special thanks:-

Myra Iqbal, Catalytic productions, Humza Rasul..

Sketch is:-

Vocals:- Hassan Alam
Vocals:- Myra Iqbal
Guitars:- Hashim Nauman
Inspiration:- Life.

2006-04-28T00:54:00.000+05:00

I waited for time to pass,
and it passed without knowing,
atleast I had something.

But then I sat and saw you go,
and you went without knowing,
what you took was everything.

I sat and waited
for you to come back but why?
to you I meant nothing.

Together we stood,
we sat we smiled,
we laughed we cried,
now you act as if i've died.

What promises?,
what vows?,
I sink in sand,
and you refuse to hold my hand?

Is this what you call love,
is this what you call hope,
I sink deep in the well of life,
and you cant even throw me a rope?

I bled to make you happy,
cried to make you smile,
and now you say,
it wasnt worth the while?

I drowned in the sea,
choked just for you,
and you never cared,
was it that hard to do?

Now that its over,
now that its done,
I think about it,
is this how you love someone?

And after you suffocate,
in the mindless vault,
you scream and shout,
and say its my fault.

Buildings broken,
foundations slain,
you say its ok,
lets start over again.

But bloodless I am,
and it's too late,
don't blame me,
its just your fate.

You wanted material,
you got rain,
now look at you,
go die of shame.

You laughed at me,
mocked me for being true,
where did that go?
Look at you.

Thats what life,
is all about,
silent warriors,
do sometimes shout.

And when they do,
their words pierce,
you repent yourself,
for being so fierce.

Regret your past,
you shouldve walked slower,
had it been that way,
this would never be over...

To the mindless sands of time....

2006-04-24T15:52:00.000+05:00

The windows are wide,
water runs deep,
you defied faith,
and you talk about belief?

Into hope,
outside mind,
you painted my world black,
now you ask why i'm blind?

Snapshots of fear,
a far written cry,
you sipped poison in,
now you're sad i'll die?

Kill the norm,
have your say,
you call me slow,
who ran away?

Let me live,
bless your four leaf clover,
my lifes just started,
and you say it's over?

.....

2006-04-15T00:44:00.000+05:00

A million people,
in the world,
and some of the million,
are just,
us...

Wake up in the morning,
except for a few souls of fate,
and a few regrets, who do we find...?

Noone...

Ready for the day,
effort pain, sweat blood,
bruises hurt,
what do we get..at the end..

Nothing...

Achievement is a grave disorder

A million people,
in the world,
and some of the million,
are just,
us...

When we break the wall,
a step back we take,
and start moving in reverse,
we try to move forward,
and fall..

Yet the same,
song plays over,
and over and over,
again...

When truth fears,
the lie at hand,
and every inch of hope,
gets buried in the sand,
I will cherish what had,
for then it'd all be,
gone...

A million people,
in the world,
and some of the million,
are just,
us...

And i'm one of them, walking crashing against the fallen walls of serene disasters..

And yet,
I go on alone,
on this path that,
once shone,
what will I get?

A million people,
in the world,
and one in a million,
is me and I'm,
not them,
us and them,
you and I,
Trust and hope,
pain and wide awake sorrow..

Yet,
it never ends,
and the song,
keeps playing.

Stop!!!

2006-04-14T12:32:00.000+05:00

Tucking away,
all hope in a bag,
to throw in a chance,
far far away.
Oasis in a desert,
dreams in a nightmare,
where does it all end?

We hold back the tears,
and they burn like acid rain,
and when the last leaf falls,
you know that you've failed.

Hoping that,
when we get there,
we find that shade,
of peace and love,
but when we do,
it's just another pile,
of sand and dust.

We hope to get there,
but we fall, engage in pain,
and when the last leaf falls,
you know that you've failed.

Mirage mirage,
life love,
water hope,
truth and lies,
post dramatic,
insignificant,
goodbyes.

We think on an empty mind,
and we fail like hands on trains,
and when the last tree falls,
you know that it's..gone...

2006-03-20T12:39:00.000+05:00

Reside in future,
yet back in the past,
under the sun faraway,
on a mountain top,
a descent of sighs,
irreplacable cries.

Faraway under the sun,
I break the vow I once begun,
handle things all fine,
I am nobody, everythings mine.

Walking on a rock,
I scream out loud,
echoes and silence,
painting the cloud.

Bridging the gap,
i'm standing last,
holding the hand,
of a broken past.

Reside in future,
yet back in the past,
under a seamless night,
on the ground beneath,
a flurry of lies,
irreplacable cries.

Faraway under the sun,
i'm weeping over whats done,
indefinite wood break,
cured yet wounded heart aches.

Picture taken by me on a day like today a month ago. Rain, lights, blurred vision, thought process.

2006-03-15T14:09:00.000+05:00

Shes only sleeping,
she will wake up,
under a cold october sky,
and the land of fire.

Shes only dreaming,
my existence,
spoke to her in silence,
she smiled.

Shes sleeping,
while it rains,
My november in chains.

Shes bringing,
a prelude,
to spring after,
autumn.

Shes begging,
for mercy,
from hope,
in vain.

Shes sleeping,
in bloodless stains,
My november in chains.

Picture the grass dancing in a field under the orange sky. Black doves painted white all around, and on a pedastal of wood lies a subtle decease of vindictive hope. Maybe yes, maybe no. But the whiff of sigh's and the far reaching cries hold no meaning, for when november comes, the chains break themselves. It is hard to hold a candle in the cold november rain, but breaking free from chains is priority uno. My november in chains, my cold ground that I stand on. Will wake up. Soon enough.

2006-03-05T13:33:00.000+05:00

Dreams,
like falling drops,
outside are vivid,
inside false.
Faith,
like echoing footsteps,
is blind,
lost somewhere.

It just puts me through,
to a world of sorrow,
it just puts me through,
from the past to tommorow.

Tears,
like items of feel,
just stream down,
like secluded rainfalls.
Hope,
like a dying breed,
of ancient love,
just fades away.

It just puts me through,
to a world of sorrow,
it just puts me through,
from the past to tommorow.

This blind faith,
these empty stairs,
this light at the end,
will I ever surpass,
will this too just pass?

Picture taken by Myra yet again =)

2006-02-23T22:54:00.000+05:00

"Why is she standing there, this girl with that lamp in her hand". I kept wondering while I was drawing the far off horizon above the sea. Many a thoughts crossed my mind. The thought that maybe she was looking for something. But then I saw the light that fell on her face and I could see reflections. "A tear" I exclaimed and got up in an attempt to actually find out what was up with that lady holding the lamp. As I was going towards her, I kept asking myself the same question again and again... " Why is she standing there all alone? ". I gathered enough courage to go ask her " Is something wrong?" and no sooner did I say this that she burst out in tears and sat with her hand in her arms. And I couldn't do anything but sit with her and console her eventhough she was a complete stranger for me. She held my hand and for a minute I was a bit startled but then she started talking, which for me was a good sign..

"What is loneliness?".. she asked

" A feeling of being there when noone is".. I replied

She smiled and I thought I said something wrong yet again, but to my amazement she started to laugh..

" I needed that"..

"Anytime"..

"My whole life has been a war with peace. That peace I heard about when I was young. Inner tranquility they said. And i've grown up finding that peace. Equilibrium of mind. But silence surrounded me everytime I tried to talk. The silent echoes of being nobody. Nobody to noone. I grew up like that and one day I met him... He was everything I ever wanted, my smile, my hope, everything. And he left, left just like that, leaving behind a huge halo. A halo of mis-trust, mis-understanding and mis-take. Oh how could I have been so stupid, I never saw the other side of the mirror, that dark side under the polish. How could I have been so stupid"..

She kept talking.....

And somehow it struck me that she was in the EXACT same position I was. Just the storyline was different but the whole aura of the whole story was exactly like mine. I started talking too...

"You're an angel, an angel in your smile, an angel at heart, an angel in your completion as a human being. I don't know why but your lighting eyes give me hope. I don't know you, I don't know your name, but you are so much like me. In your stance, your hope, your pruning of mistakes. You remind me of the times I used to be in that silent corner of life penning down scribbles of decieve and cliche`s. And I salute you..."

With a tear in my eye I said...

"But I barely told you anything.." Surprised she said.

"You said so much with so little an effort , your eyes told me everything"

"Eyes?"

"The windows to the soul"...

She smiled and her smile was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen. She gleamed and stood up and held my hand accompanied me on a stroll that was soon going to change my life. She became someone I could trust, in those few footsteps. Echoing footsteps of laughter.. I looked at her and said..

"The moment of truth is here, the moment of truth is you"....

She smiled and replied...

"In my hands the memory, with me the angel with a glee, forever is my company"..

A meeting by the river proved fruitful. I changed, she wiped her tears, the sun smiled and set on a day that was tommorow.. Fictious reality..fictious reality...

2006-02-14T23:04:00.000+05:00

Delusional sins,
in a sea of vapours,
and I keep wondering,
peace, war,who wins?

In a room full of people,
the emptiness surrounds me,
theres light all around,
but what is it that haunts me?.

In a lydian state of mind,
I seek refuge I can't find,
in a bloodless little trail,
of how fear and hope fail.

Repurcussions grave,
after a whiff of today,
and I keep thinking,
what to and what not to say,

In a room full of people,
where emptiness surrounds me,
i've switched off my mind,
but the retrospect still haunts me!!

Picture taken by my dear friend Myra =)

2006-01-04T17:08:00.000+05:00

A melodramatic epic, a continuous saga of misunderstood appreciation.....

Black and white,
hall of fame,
super fate, wrong right,
darkness is my name.

I kill for the sky,
to liquify the fields,
with acid and pain,
torment of discontent rain.

An epic tale,
of discontent hatred,
vivid lies,
of misconceptions sacred.

Dwelling twists of interpretation.

For the world who didn't appreciate shit, go jump off a cliff and fucking like it.

2005-12-21T01:59:00.000+05:00

Through the corridor of light,
into the darkness of life,
from the blind vision of today,
to tommorows vivid sight.

I move and fall,
I drown and crawl,
but what does it take,
to keep standing tall?.

Through the corridor of light,
into the darkness of life,
from peace that leads to war,
to the battle that ends in a fight.

I run and walk,
in sync with the tick of the clock,
but how can I swim without air,
and go from this island to the city dock?

Through the corridor of light,
into the darkness of life,
as soon as the sun descends,
my perceptive sanity ends.

I sense and feel,
I hide and conceal,
but who knows what,
is fake and what's real.

Through the corridor of light,
into the darkness of life,
as the bird of winter leaves and flies,
autumn slowly rusts and dies.

I kneel and I hide,
and let hope decide,
what good are thoughts,
without a wave, a ride.

Through the corridor of light,
into the darkness of life,
instead of falling on my face,
this time I'll travel on light rays,

Through the corridor of light,
into the darkness of life,
through the passage of time,
into visions sublime...

2005-12-17T13:39:00.000+05:00

It's silent here,
in the morgue,
where bodies lie,
which suffered carnage,
with highlighted damage.
Fall autumn leaves,
pre-requisited welcome,
the the cold of tommorow,
warmth of today.
Restless shivers,
of visions shared,
and promises broken.
The lies of tommorow,
truth of today.
Shared insights,
wrong and right,
syndicate this rust,
of hate and disgust.
Acquire this scene,
of a distant memory,
and share the signs,
of fruitful monogamy.
Before raindrops,
the leaves fall,
before serenity,
voices rise,
before winter,
autumn comes,
before betrayal,
hope dies.

2005-12-11T19:10:00.000+05:00

The princess of the sea,
in the palace of feel,
the light amidst the dark,
in and above the tree bark.
I see the light at the,
end of the tunnel,
and then I think of you,
and how the smile is on my face,
again.
The princess of my kingdom,
my lifeline my aura,
of fortunate happiness,
and future complete.
I salute thee,and your sea of love,
oh princess,
I search for the elements,fire water,
wind heart, love hate, feel lost,
now i'm back in the middle,
of the sea, of your highness,
the smile the smirk,
the one who can heal.
My princess of feel.

Picture taken by a very dear friends soulmate. Sometimes it takes a person like you to understand what you write , and the person who actually sent me this picture, sure does understand. This ones for you =). You know who you are, I hope you do , because I surely don't . Just kidding...

2005-11-24T09:51:00.000+05:00

The mask of the weird grin has been rusted. Now that i've taken it off, I wander around outside in the cold waiting for someone to throw me a warm reception of feel but sadly that is not the case. Seems like the mask was the only thing that connected my forlorn existence with the ecstatic world that is today. I mean who can wear a rusted mask for long?. Deception and false allegations are a part of everyday life now that I've taken the mask off. Or did it come off all by itself showing me what the world "Really" is. I guess the latter stands corrected here because all of this is pretty valid and pretty to the point. You conform and you're fine, you try to be yourself you'll get nowhere. Maybe I was better off in my "alternate pseudo-realistic world", atleast it was my utopia and I knew how things went around in there. Sometimes in life, yes sometimes you really do start to hate yourself for the way you are, but after a deep thought process I've come to the conclusion that it really isn't your fauilt. It's the people around you that make you think and see life like the way they want to see it. And in that process they quarantine your brain so much that you stop thinking like you did and start blaming yourself for every little thing that went wrong. Thats the effect that takes place on your brain. And trust me this is a big one. When you're at the right side when you were meant to be on the left side, it really really does hurt. When you ask someone something and they reciprocate that very thing and totally drift away blaming you for something that happened somewhere back in time which you'd already forgotten about, it really does hurt. These things are enough to make you want to stop believing in the term "friend", "care" "love" "affection". And at the end of the day you are by yourself. People will actually eat you and make you a step to walk on. Even your closest friends will. Thats a give in. It's bound to happen. No matter how much someone says he loves you and cares for you or will be by your side forever, after two months you'll see a very very different side of that very person who called you his best friend just 50 days before. Is THAT what you call being friends?. When you call someone a friend you're supposed to bury his bad qualities in a grave and forgot where the grave was. Not many people do that, not many at all. Nothing is as it seems, nothing. But then again why would you want to be with such people is the question?. The thing is you can't really help it. Try it for yourself, it's free to try. It's amazing how people can just change like that. Eventhough they are so concious about the way they are that they won't ever admit it and inturn blame it on you, yet again. Insecure bastards I say. It's high time to get up on the stage and say "fuck you" to the crowd and just leave. No matter how many "friends" you have in the crowd who WILL definitely say "Oh my you said the F word to us, you're not a friend you're this, you're that". I ask "Where was your concern and that oh-i'm-so-innocent attitude when you were stomping over my very existence. It was high time to take a stand and well I took it. And even though I'm locked inside this dungeon over here, deep within the gorge of the desert far away from nevermore, I have no regrets whatsoever. It's better to be away from this world and suffocate than be in it and not suffocate.

Locked inside a castle of dreams,
Where fire surrounds the way,
where the dungeon of fate,
locks the soul of peace in cell 568.

But I have no regrets whatsoever,
because as far as I can remember,
I never did, never have, never will,
because i've spitted out that hate pill.

And now even if I suffocate,
and it's myself I exterminate,
I won't have a single regret,
Because now it's very easy to forget.

The fact that I was alone,
in the dark, the sun shone,
but i've broken this glass of deciet,
and now my motives I will complete.

And as I penned down these very words, this one song constantly went through my head and fitted this whole thing perfectly.

Once divided...nothing left to subtract...
Some words when spoken... can’t be taken back...
Walks on his own...
with thoughts he can’t help thinking...
Future’s above...but in the past he’s slow and sinking...
Caught a bolt ’a lightnin’...cursed the day he let it go...
Nothingman...Isn’t it something? Nothingman...

She once believed...in every story he had to tell...
One day she stiffened... took the other side...
Empty stares... from each corner of a shared prison cell...
One just escapes...one’s left inside the well...

And he who forgets...will be destined to remember..

Nothingman... Isn’t it something? Nothingman...
Oh, she don’t want him... Oh, she won’t feed him...
after he’s flown away...Oh, into the sun...ah, into the sun...

(Nothingman- Pearl Jam)

2005-11-14T09:51:00.000+05:00

I spoke through silence,
and it retained my lie,
I tried to scream out loud,
my voice just died.

I ran through emptiness,
and I won the race,
I walked slowly and pondered,
my body disfunctioned.

I sat down when it rained,
and stood up when it stopped,
no piece of mind anywhere,
forever restrained in this worldly fair.

I looked up to the sky,
and wished upon a star,
to make me a soldier of fortune,
so I can travel to lands very far.

But I saw something falling,
from the sky, a sign,
a rainbow of colour,
aurora fortunatus, and,

Again I spoke through the silence,
but this time,this time,
it all was so clear,
the pictures,
signalling how to change time,
and not let time change us.

2005-11-02T10:12:00.000+05:00

Seven colours,
two rivers,
one shore,
my home.

Light in dark,
shadows in hope,
sometimes life is,
a very weak rope.

18 years,
of breathing in,
and out.
Of walking,
here and there.

Seven colours,
one motive,
repeated revision,
of fondly transition.

I was weak,
I fell down,
but since I ,
was dedicated,
I aced life.

Now life asks,
me how to go,
on and on and on,
without failing to fall,
but I keep telling it,
You made me ,
who I am,
now I don't know,
Who you are!!!

This I wrote for this one friend who I call "ace". I guess the poem was about what I learnt about life and it's doings from her. How we can strive hard and look back and smile at the past where we were down and blue and broken and how now we're sufficient enough to paint that blue colour into seven colours :)

2005-10-17T12:01:00.000+05:00

Floating like a dead body,
on a river so far away,
hoping to breathe again someday,
in a world full of stars.
Tears in the rain,
restricted access, pain,
I separated my ownself,
from the loss, the gain.
Succumb to rage,
fly up high,
clouds across the sky,
dust along the ground,
Scream like bubbles in the ocean,
sometimes you have to make it,
on your own, all alone.
The boat I built,
to steer me away from where I was,
has brought me back,
to the hourglass that stood so very still,
once upon a blue moon.
With a squint I write the eulogy,
of my sight, my hope, my life,
and that feeling just keeps going on,
and on and on,
and never stops to go where noone has gone before,
to apathy and beyond....

2005-09-25T22:02:00.000+05:00

Like a silent raindrop,
I fall,
on the ground but what gives,
i'm just a mere speck afterall.
Like a silent child, amazing grace,
I cry,
my heart out but what gives,
the smile is just a tear on my face.
Like an optimist in the dark,
I wish,
for things to get better but what gives,
pessimism ignites the life spark.
Like a stem with a leaf,
I grab,
onto the tree but what gives,
this drop falls and digs deep grief.
Like a body without a soul,
I search,
for the light but what gives,
i'm incomplete on the whole.
Like a sad sailor on the sea,
I live,
on my ship but what gives,
I just want to be free......

2005-09-24T12:56:00.000+05:00

In the dark,
the eerie moon,
the lucid veil,
such finesse,
such detail.
Heaven closed it's door,
504.
Fields of gold,
gather rust,
the sigh's of this dust,
have you ever felt this way before?,
I have....504.
Hate the love again,
finished off without a gain.
Where to go now?
What to do now?.
noones on this side,
i've killed suicide..

2005-09-19T10:08:00.000+05:00

Of a heart shaped round,
ball of light, aura of serene,
true love .
I have found within these trees.
Through the drops,
shines the light,
of trust and hope.
This moonlit night,
lights the way,
takes me back,
home.
I remember when I,
walked through the forest,
with nothing but dark,
thoughts of deceit.
And how this light,
helped me decieve,
the fear of failure and,
win.
I pay tribute,
to the moonlight,
and the integral,
feeling of love,
and the trees,
that stand in night,
and signal,
Life.

2005-09-08T23:13:00.000+05:00

Maybe life is a reason,
and I am the cause,
but why does my stanza of living,
turn into a vulnerable clause,
everytime?
Some may ask why?,
by looking to the sky,
these unquestionable answers,
when the wind blows,
why do the flowers die?.
Searching for the reason,
through the prison of foils,
and cold rust in one soul,
a body twisted and churned in coils.
Some stand at ground zero,
pray for the wind to blow again,
so they know what happened,
to the flowers, to the agents,
of unparalleled disaster,
which killed the messiah of fate,
the hero of civilization,
the realization of my mistake.....

2005-09-05T09:09:00.000+05:00

I look out of the frame of reference and find another frame. The frame which precedes and concedes the thing called the aura of recapitulation. Past, present, living memory, these words sometimes don't seem to work or get work done. Sometimes when I ponder over stuff, I realize that pain is infact real, but sometimes even pain looks like a cliche`.

Sometimes I wish,
that life was a kite,
with a string,
which when cut,
let the kite go free,
wherever it wanted to.
Then I think,
maybe life is,
a kite, with a string,
which when cut,
sets you free.

Sometimes I wish I'd get lost in the white light of peace and tranquility but as someone once told me, you have to find that peace within yourself or you won't find it at all. You can't ever rely on time, you never know when you'll just close your eyes and wake up at the end of the tunnel.

My mirror of feel,
tell me what it is,
this image of fear,
this innerself of cuts,
so real, so very real.

2005-08-26T23:32:00.000+05:00

A walk in the park,
a past for my future,
hope is not a lie,
lies are not real.
It rained that day,
wept away the shore,
from the obvious,
from the state,
of nickel coated rust,
and separated dust,
of gold and silver,
all together.
I walk again,
on my two feet,
thinking about the lies,
and the surreal thing,
called the truth

2005-08-24T10:13:00.000+05:00

Walking on water,
drowns me and my dream,
broken words of that dismantled verse,
damnation or just a mere curse.
Lost somewhere in denial,
in an epic encounter with fate,
my alternate pseudo-realism,
engaged with my transition state.
My eyes print pages of nothing,
but my ego blended with rejection,
hope just went flying by,
and all I could do was,
drown in my own whirlpool,
colour and black and white,
whats wrong whats right.
The story ends before it begins,
these pages tear before I can hear,
the voices that I fear,
why?.

2005-08-05T11:55:00.000+05:00

Come death, go life,
the angel of incarnation,
the fallen angel of sin,
my friend for eternity.

Show the light,
O guide in the tunnel,
where does this path end,
and the seemingly incapable truth transcend.

Ages have passed,
and the angel of the fortnight,
holder of feel,
has not set things right.

Year in year out,
we find our angel,
but the journey ends,
as soon as we realize,
that we are the only ones,
who can flood this drought.

2005-08-02T12:18:00.000+05:00

I can see through the wall,
but i'm blind,
I can walk this corridor,
but i'm paralysed.
I can scream and shout,
but my voice,
I can't find.
Holy darkness in eternal daylight,
My eyes, my forte, my life,
the darkness crept through my vein,
as the alter efforts of time lie slain.

This basically is an account of what I thought after looking at a picture of a dear friends eye. I know it's stupid but that one snap said SOO soo much, it's difficult to actually write, I thought about further explanding this poem but I guess it portrays the meaning more precisely this way.

2005-07-14T13:43:00.000+05:00

We live wanting to die,
but as the last gush of air,
enters the lungs,
we succumb to our own wish.
The regret of paintings,
vivid, serene and blue,
broken brushes of dry,
rusted aversions to things not true.
To perform an autopsy,
and picture reels of disaster,
wishfulthinking of benevolent garbled intentions,
waking up to diagnose grotesque narcolepsy.
We walk paths to reach,
somewhere over the hurdles,
somewhere over the walls of deceit,
but as we cross the finish line,
the hurdles become our destination.

2005-06-26T23:32:00.000+05:00

A night time of bliss,
in extreme corners,
of an isolated brain,
of masks unwrapped and sown back again.

Goldmines, diamond minds,
all sane all very very sane,
fend off bats of debris,
afterall they can see and I'm blind.

Say 1 then 3 maybe 2,
count your days before you hatch,
into a bird of deceit,
a scribbling on a broken wall.

Spray paint your motive,
on a cloth, on a paper,
as your life is active,
the rest are just plain simple passive.

Different ways, different times,
eloquent incarnations of superficial mimes,
all that is poetic doesn't rhyme,
being yourself isn't a crime.

Seasons change and so can I,
make me feel bad, just try,
a bird with injured wings does fly,
as it soars in the sky signalling a final goodbye.

2005-06-20T00:30:00.000+05:00

The wind whispers,
a whif of destiny passes by,
the moon, tree, light, that road,
a fantasy?,
a realistic account of burlesque humanism?.
Waiting for the right time to come,
for an angel to shimmer,
to show signs of a legitimate encounter with fate.
Inner satisfaction yields this aura,
in my abstract world of endeavour,
in my mind, the thought process simmers down,
to a point where thoughts meet words and words,
words, they just fail to come out...
words, they so seem out of place....

2005-06-16T10:21:00.000+05:00

Fine?
perfect?
how?
This isn't right.
This is a lie.
Reincarnate the new leaf,
that left behind me.
Sunshine, sweet lines,
sweet times, all gone.
Where?
Fine?
Perfect?
How?
like this?
I don't think so.
Wait is a good thing,
you're scared of the dark,
did you know that,
you're dark yourself.
Perfect?
maybe not,
then again,
all that opens is bound to close... again.

Picture taken by me from a friends mobile phone.

2005-06-11T22:50:00.000+05:00

I thought that it would be better,
I thought that life would be,
a screaming name of feeling,
a living memory.
I thought that the sun would come out,
signal the start of a new day,
but the moon came out instead,
signalling forever a nights stay.
Fairies in the drome,
living in the state,
of utter felicity,
a living memory.
A years lapse brought rain,
to wash away the stain,
once again im free,
from the living memory.
I ride on a bus to town,
lights on a station wagon,
the fairy smiles, looks at me,
beginning of the journey to another memory.
I close my eyes and dream of me,
in my hand the memory,
infront of me, the fairy with a glee,
past present, end, the distant memory...

Written for a friend. Whose voice I totally adore, and I think she has the potential to become even better. For FatimaQ :)

2005-06-10T10:51:00.000+05:00

It rained again yesterday, the sky went black and it rained, reminded me of something I wrote a year ago, the same things, the same feel. Time does repeat itself, a deja vu or maybe a sign of monotonous ways of living. Wouldn't know, it's hard to pen down stuff these days, it really is, it's like the same feelings but I just can't get them on paper, mighty hard. Alot has happened in the past two months. Maybe a month, I can't even recall how long it has been since I last wrote something worthwhile. But I was thinking the other day, and Life really is a metronome, the *tick tick tick*, are phases, the in-time notes are the way we act. Just like an out of time guitar solo seems awkward, an out of time action, an out of class action, an out of sync action ruins the way we walk then. A single mistake can make the whole concert suck, not if you really admit that you did a mistake and try to cover it up by delving into the abyss of life. Great players won't let the audience feel that they did infact make a mistake, only the people with a very very sharp ear can tell. If i'm a player , then if I screw up, noone else would know except for the people who are the closest to me. They would know, they seriously would. It's almost as if I cry over my past doings, the way I was such an ignorant freak, that I totally rejected the pleas of the people closest to me, for people who don't even give a fuck anymore.

Surviving in an abode,
breathing, living, feeling,
lying, standing, sitting,
flying without wings on a road.

I don't really get why ALL I write about is an abode, a road, life, feel. Maybe i'm a little constricted. Maybe I need to broaden my horizons, or maybe just focus a little harder and chalk out the "good things in life plan". The beauty of music is immense, and when I say immense, I mean immense, it has an effect on you. Specially these certain musical pieces which rule. For instance this violin piece in "raag aiman". It's amazing how theres a raag for every mood, you can listen to this when you're in a mood like mine, you can listen to khamaj, you can listen to darbari when you're mysterious, or malkauns if you just want to ponder over what you've done in the past.... I guess thats about it for today...

2005-05-20T09:28:00.000+05:00

To find the right path,
I've wandered in several places,
walked on different roads,
to find that ray of light,
to find that beacon of hope.
For the sad stories in life,
and for the glimpse of glory,
i've searched every corner,
every wall I found, I climbed.
Everytime I set out to find an identiy,
I always asked myself this question,
Why would I want to be myself,
when I can't be me?.
But why kill myself,
sink to such low a degree.
And never did an answer arrive,
never did the halo break.
I always looked forward to the rain,
so that it would wash away the stain,
of invisible norms of present day life.
But as soon as a droplet fell on my face,
and I began to think about how everything,
everything would be just fine, but it never rained,
when I wanted it to, the droplet never preceeded it.
Dejected?, maybe yes, to some extent,
I always stood there, like a tree with roots,
strongly buried in the depression of fate,
vividly answering hymns of the hovering angel.
The angel with no wings and no glitter,
but the angel with not even a wand to wave,
the angel that calls itself the real me.
Who am I?,
does it explain the failures in time?,
does that angel really belong, fits in like a timely rhyme?.
If the angel is me?, then I'd be what?,
a demon of immense hate for human race,
filled with nothing but praise for himself?.
Someone who needs a straight jacket and guards to handle him?.
If I were to be that, would I not have even a tiny heart?,
If I ever was that, wouldn't have I slit others instead of me?,
If I am that?, then why doesn't the angel go and free me of this superficial glee?.
Demons don't show feelings, does it mean that they don't feel?,
they don't show affection, does it mean that they don't love?.
Noone can answer these questions,
noone can free me of this alter existence.
Life is like a bus-ride, you get on, you sit, you pay,
and when you reach your destination, you get off.
You can't just sit in it and wait for it to take you where you want to go.
You have to make your own life, you have to choose your own destination.
Trust is eye sight but with no vision.
I walk on this empty road, and keep asking myself, what are you doing?,
you're calling yourself a demon, because the angels say that you are?.
Who would make better demons than all of them combined?,
who needs their wands anyways.
You come in this life, to make your own life,
to make your own way to the destination that you chose.
You can't just let all these things gather and summount, and stop you from narrating your life filled account.
Darkness is not a lie, light is not false, it's true,
you need noone to help you, the only one who change you is you.

Sometimes in life, at the most oddest of occasions, certain events occur, which you know unfold the real you in you. Thanks to a few people, who make you realize that whats happening isn't your fault, well maybe it is, but theres no use crying over it and letting the world bring you down. Such a person was the person with whose words engraved in my mind, I wrote this.

2005-05-18T18:11:00.000+05:00

He stood in the middle of the street, wind blowing, dust scattering all around. Vision was blurred, but he stood there, waiting for the rain, a few drops fell on his face, and he said to himself" peace atlast" but then the wind stopped and it didn't rain. And he stood there, waiting for rain, when there was no sign of it.

The plight of it all?

Can anyone explain?

2005-05-16T01:03:00.000+05:00

Mirror mirror on the wall,
if I fall will i ever crawl?,
or just creep deep down,
into home sacred, the holy hall.
An opened window disease,
cures my serenity.
If i Kill myself,
will I ever stay alive, be free?.
Deep down within the gorge of sand,
a dungeon of self nurtured hate,
savatage of divinity grand,
sieze the dust, ruin my fate.
Hours of nine,
feelings of time,
the window opens,
but I don't see the sun shine.
References withdraw meaning,
buttons press italics of nothing fair,
brainwaves need pruning, memories need cleaning,
mirror on the fall, destruction evident, right now, here.
Save your servant, the one who trusts in you,
I want peace I want me,
God, hear my plea and refurbish me, make me new,
I want wings so that I can fly, a life so I can be free.
Hours of ten,
preoccupied drugs of addiction,
i'll get away from this, when?.
sink deep down into the sea of contradiction.
Answer mirror, answer me,
either break or stay alive,
stop stripping me of my hope tree,
just die, on my own I can surivive.

2005-05-09T09:44:00.000+05:00

Burning pages set the water on fire,
as inch by inch, part by part, word by word,
memories burn breeding fire, smoke, suffocation.
Bit by bit, right here, right there,
ashes float, swim their way down the drain,
in swirls of life, whirlpools of amazement.
Sometimes it's very hard to burn what we wrote,
that immortal epic of sentiments, obtuse account of theology.
Although the thoughts were penned by us,
their disposal is not in our hands,
we, the club of autobiographical manifestations.
Malnutritioned parasites of indulging cater.
Voices voices, yield inside my head,
open, close, open, close,
right or left, outlook or inborn,
question or answer, malignant or benign,
nothing seems to make sense anymore,
except for one thing, the thing,
which doesn't make sense at all.
Wholeheartedly I end my journal,
with one mere entry of severe distortion,
gates of abyss stand waiting,
for me to, enter, jump inside, free myself, in them.
For they own me, or do they not,
or they just want me because they need someone,
to stand there and invite others,
to the dinner of hillburn, to the banquet of wordly torments.
Two hours past midnight, nine days past today,
5 minutes of thought, a lifetime of action,
action of regret, repurcusion of a lonely deject,
an entry made in mediatonic allegations of dissect,
succumbing the object to the death of the subject,
bleeding lies of the list with a set, of a word with a meaning,
of a book with clauses and sentences,
of an effort of intimate colligative acidic rupture,
a funeral for a flower, where the thorns stand smiling,
an end to an era, where fellows of hope stand crying.

2005-05-06T11:41:00.000+05:00

When theres a reason,
theres nothing left to resurrect,
when theres a 7th soul,
there are too many things to forget.

Walking in the heat yesterday opened my mind,
the first the last, mid sequence of harm,
you walk with yourself, your shadow,
on the 9th path, the clause of charm.

Alone in the corridor,
waiting for light, for hope,
spirits sprint by, a dimensional fatigue,
i've failed to see. What if I was blind?.

The moon hides in the clouds,
I burn the pages of my book, my sea,
fire stutters as it lights the night,
the ashes of pictures will be free.

Lord, give me the power to cut,
myself from the world, to live,
breathe in my own little world,
nails of twisted logic, my open door shut.

07890, eighty five til now,
living in a dream of glitter,
breathing the air of disease,
the 9th path with no streetlight, with nothing to show.

The 9th path leads to the grave,
six feet under, beneath the sand,
treading on it, funeral of deciet,
savouring moments, yearning for them to save.

whisper, sigh, cry, whine, rant,
what does it take to define the deafening silence?.
maybe nothing more than a path,
the 9th part of a path defined to lead.

2005-05-04T09:04:00.000+05:00

Sometimes in life, certain phases take place, certain events unfold, certain people drop by and say hello, and the good thing is that they stay for tea.This is a realistic account of something that i've been wanting to write for "a long time" now, Like a year or so, but just couldn't get that particular inspiring factor to pen that thought I had in my mind.Light feathers float in air, fly in the sky, soar, dive, live to what they want to. Faraway in the land of mysticism and fairy tales lives an entity known as the "flame girl".A flame that doesn't have the ability to burn but definitely has the ability to light ways of people who've gone astray. Not by burning itself, but by burning the feeling of love deep inside, the incense of smiles and joys and what not.This is an ode to the very adorable, lovable, huggable, talk-to-able ( if there is such a word) person. My flame girl. Someone who might not know but she has done ALOT for me, and when I say ALOT, I mean alot. Shes been there to listen to me rant, listen to me whine about the pettiest most stupidest things on planet earth, always given good suggestions, given me pringles, chocolates, got mangos cut into little blocks so that I can eat them. Someone who knows me to the fullest. Someone who has always been there, greeted me with a smile. Oh and has heard me play the most "bey-suree" tunes, heard me sing ( torment and anguish I tell you). Reads what I write and is the one person whose comments I anxiously wait for. I have to make others read what I write, she does it all by herself. And it means loads to me. I really wish I could do something that would be as kind and as sweet as the stuff she does. According to her, she sounds like a kid, but she sounds nowhere to a kid. Infact she has a very adorable voice, you know the tweety mixed with cuteness tone. The "Aww tweet" effect. Oh and she has her own distinct style of speaking, which is the true "flame girl copyright protected tone". Noone CAN copy it, well I can try, but thats not the point here. I'm trying my best to write here what this particular person means to me, and trust me when I say flame girl, you're one of the closest people I have in my life right now, close as in real close, Oh and I still owe you a dinner at cafe` zouk, but that might have to be shifted to some khokha, or tikka corner, depending on the amount of dough I have. Looks like an orkut testimonial doesn't it?, Well IT'S NOT.Thing is, sometimes even when you want to let someone know something, you just can't, I mean mere words can never sum up an entire person. Even if we let it all out in them, we just can never explain a complete person in words.Diversity is the key to a good life. The more diverse we get, the more we widen our horizons and the more we tend to see the good side of life.Nobody on earth is perfect, but I believe in this thing my teacher told me once. "When you call or make someone a friend, you dig a grave, you bury all the bad qualities of that person in that grave, and close it never to be opened again". We all need our time, we all need time to breathe, but this person always in one way or the other helps me out regardless of the fact that shes going through a tough time.I guess thats enough narration of a person I adore, now for the real thing.

2 a.m, a candle is lit up,
time passes like rainfall,
sounds of chirps and glory filled faces,
the flowers blossom to their fullest.

9 a.m, the candle dies,
leaving behind nothing but solid wax,
a dream ends, life begins,
reality strikes, walls talk.

11 a.m, the flame erupts,
the fire deep within,
the thoughts hidden in gorges,
of the mind unsaid, of the truth unspoken.

3 p.m, an afternoons tread,
through willows and pines,
towards the trees of hope,
the leaves of green light.

8 p.m, an unaudible cry screams,
as I long to seek,
a soul in pain,
a trail of tears in red.

10 p.m, a beacon of light,
an angel in the fog,
deep into the forest,
deep in the darkness.

12 midnight,
the strings define,
the wings, the harp, the crown,
the notes of long gone days,
the song of the iced nail.

1 a.m, a morning still dark,
the girl still looks,
smiles, blinks, smiles again,
the flame inside comes out.

2 a.m,
I light another candle,
only to see that the angel has left,
that theres noone there but me,
that theres nothing but fallen leaves.

3 a.m,
realization strikes.
Although the candle had it's end,
the angel went away,
the harp stopped playing,
but the light in my eye didn't, won't ever!

Although you might think that this poem doesn't make sense here, but to me it does, because it sums up the entire period of time. that i've known the flame girl. From start to finish:)...

Flames through walls of fire,
light through dark alleys and corners,
switches in creeping gray,
wings fly higher,
through the hexagon of a pentagon.

Third degree burns of back spaces,
alternately deduced into shadows,
covered speakers of processing paces,
creep,stand, crouch in these creepy meadows.

Type alphabets out of sync,
words of phonogramic classics,
the other side of the mirror is but polished,
to reflect what is not to be seen.

Wires deep within the ground,
towers high above,
whats left in between, the sound?,
of that wounded creature, that tired dove.

Fly dove fly,
south-east, north-west, over and under the gorge,
follow the crimson dotted line dappled in orange dye,
but make sure you soar, parallel to the line.

Perpendicular to the normal,
Angled to the sublimal,
verses of deceit,
acutely defining an era incomplete.

Flames through innocent eyes,
a whiff of experience,
a gold unicorn clad in robes,
of physical paddings and bricks.

Fly my flame girl,
for you are destined,
to soar, south-east,
north-west, over and under the gorge,
just follow the dove, the right, the light,and the red four chambered abode.

2005-05-02T10:30:00.000+05:00

Who am I today?,
What will I be tommorow?,
A sinner who prays,
or a scripture of sorrow.

Injected was I with fallen footsteps,
of the once upright, now buried,
staircase to the garden of light,
where senses join to glow crypticism,
where dungeons give out rainbows.

Will I believe in a thing called faith?,
or will I defy the thing called hate?,
will I be a human being for once?,
or just ooze into a plasmatic state?.

I've transmuted joys of repuntant disgust,
Apathy, apex of grief, Bless!,
Neither am I a divine flower,
or a holy shrine of pure trust.

Where does this road of time go?,
Is this right or is this wrong?,
why is this rate of self discovery so slow?,
Is this an untouchable ornament, or an unsingable song?.

What if the black turned blue,
and blinks were idle.
What if the night was day,
and injections were breif.
What if ceilings were floors,
and windows were doors,
what if words were speech,
and trees could preach.

My guardian angel turned satan,
my defendant is a fugitive.
Right now the world needs a hero,
who'd be better than my alter-ego.

2005-04-20T13:19:00.000+05:00

Showering in acid,
doesn't burn me but my mind,
in flames, enroute to dream,
the sleep of time.
Dipping in water,
passed prsent, future indefinite,
continuing reforms,
of expeditions, lies, wit.
Separate love,
from hate, die from live,
free from jailed,
take none, just give.
Microphones turned on,
to telecast speeches,
of trustworthy halelujah,
to baptise the leeches.
Dip my soul in acid,
and set me on fire,
so that alteast the hellos,
of life and serenity don't go haywire.
Still, I stand, underneath,
water falling on my head,
sit and stand, piece of mind,
nowhere but near life, near hope, enough said.

2005-04-18T09:36:00.000+05:00

I'm the one standing in the third line from the left, standing and watching, as the other 2 lines make their way out of the gate, and as soon as my turn comes, the gates close, is it the third line phenomenon or is it just me. Who am I?, Someone standing at the gates of success in the third line, which has no ticket to get in, or even someone who can get them in. The good thing is that i'm not alone, there are other people pretty much like me. The gatekeeper keeps in mind that the people including me standing here are never to get in, atleast not at the premier of the show, how cool can life really get, even a glimpse of something nice has become something to die for, but really if we think about it, why even have the need to go to the other side, when you can sit where you are and make the best of what you have, even if it means other people calling you a dweller of this thing called "an alternate pseudo-realistic world", who cares, I don't, or maybe I do. Thats why I always say "confusion is the prime of sorrow".

Insaan kay khwab ke tabeer to insaan he hai,
tadbeer kia, taqdeer kia, har rahguzar anjaan hai.
(Insaan-Mizraab)

And it indeed is, a dream a man sees can only be made true IF he himself puts effort into making that dream into something. Caged and free at the same time, is the beast inside us all, but the term "beast" doesn't always mean "evil"..it can be an anti-social, fad rejecting triad holding human being like we see on roadsides drinking and basically not giving a fuck about anything that's going on around them. But calling that person "demented" is not fair, not fair to mankind, not fair to that man, not fair to fairness itself, we never wonder how he feels being like that, he didn't want to become that did he?, he didn't wish for this ever since he was born, or did he?, I mean it's really sick how we can just ignore people like that, if you really can't do anything to help him, don't cuss him either then.

I believe in a thing called love,
I just can't see it,
I believe in a thing called hope,
I just don't have any,
I believe in a thing called change,
I just don't know why.
I believe in a thing called feel,
I just don't feel it.

Years pass in a split second,
silence, silent I was, silent I am,
standing at the verge of a mental breakdown,
silence, kills and stays as it is,
this flowing river of hope,
is gone,
where?,
I don't really know.
Rootgates of silence, silence,
bless this word I believe in,
I believe in myself, in a dream where i'm dead,
living mortals await, an immortal answer,
maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn't.
Branches of life, a continuum of reincarnation,
blood filled arms signal the stop to april,
april, stop, flowers grow and spring awaits,
but can anyone see, the beauty of autumn,
as painful as it is, as tormenting as it sounds,
gust of winds blow through the sands of time,
where do they go?, conform?
search for right, us, me, you,
keep searching, this feeling never goes away,
it only grows, distance stings, this is us,
autumn is ours, dwellers we are,
dwellers we will be, now, now, forever,
skip me, over this rope, of a dream I saw,
the dream which ended when I woke up,
the dream which ended when I slept again,
to make way for something new, evolution?.
maybe, maybe not, sting yourself, beast filled self,
of myself, yourself and ourselves.

2005-04-15T10:53:00.000+05:00

Candle light guides me through the wall, outside. Through the bricks and cement of my once self made abode, which had aspirations and hopes, lights and smiles and what not. But over the years i've realized the fact that there is nothing called happiness, it is just the absence of sadness, the one true feeling that has been a friend and a foe for years and years. The light of this almost finished candle has made me see, and made me feel, that nothing in this world is worth anything, except a few things that image themselves in this light.

Through the light of darkness,
I saw true faces of faceless beings,
of beast and man, damned and blessed,
of myself in total isolation, and my eyes covered

I promised the water, that when it flows over rocks, i'll cover it, so instead of it getting dirty, I get bruised instead. But nothings ever worth anything. Water blames me for it gathering moss. I wasn't the one who was stagnant or was I? Choices have ruined the way we are. I mean if someone has the authority to chose either me or someone whos nearer to them and has money to call them everyday, who would they chose?, all this care thing is utter nonsense. I don't really know more than 3 people who ACTUALLY care for me the way it should be like. All others who are "presumed " "best friends" are nothing. And you know a friend just told me how revenge is never right because it's the repurcusion of something we do wrong in life. And that is exactly why i'm so caught up. Because I can't really blame anyone for anything, because it's not right, but then why do all them other people blame me for something that happens to them.

Person A: " hey i'm hurt, down, blue"
Me :" oh comeon lets dance, do the macarena, cheer up" <= for hours, wasting my own time just so that I can cheer them up. Person B: " O you're so adorable, thank you for everything, you're the best" Me :" Anytime" Time passes,
like cars on a highway,
nothing changes but me,
or was it them?,

Person A : "Hey"
Me: " I'm down"
Person A: "So what can I do?"
Me: " You'd know better"
Person A: "You know Hashim, you're rude" <=Offline or block or whatever. So okay I don't have any right to get down, because then I end up hurting people and being rude. OR is it just a silly excuse to tactically get rid of me, because they've got another "choice".

I don't really know why i'm writing this , but I want to let it out for once, and say what I want to instead of acting like a godamn joker 24/7. I mean sometimes people just forget the real person behind the mask. That person has a heart too, he feels too, being that way is being "too sensitive" and I should change. Why should I change?, for people who hardly ever give a fuck as to what I am and what i'm going through. Bloody phase, whatever, I really don't care about anything except a few:-

1) Music,
2) Writing
3) Needay, Heenay, Meeroo lala la, Angurl, PJ and Chootew <= The most adorabley cute creatures God ever created.
4) My best friend Mehr (i love her to bits and pieces.)
5) Tazzy wazzy
6) My soulmate Rabiya
7) Jibran.
8) My friend Samita.
9) The annoying Twerp aka Natasha
10) Hassan and Haroon aka Malik brethren.
11) My didi Nukhbat, and my Baji Natasha
12) kNuMB, Naqsh and Corduroy. (kW, Op, Sarmad bhai, Ali Bhai, Faraz Bhai, Sherry dude, Kami, Estes, Ali Bhai, Moby, Crucified angel aka deadly mullah.)
13) Nabeela bajee, dudie, fahd bhai.
14) My pen-e-best-cute-pal Seph..hehe
15) My budday, a person i adore to the fullest...Hiraa!:D
And that really is about it. And incase anyone else feels down because they're not in the list, then "this list matters only to me" and you know I really don't care aboyt anyone else. In the end i'd just like to write a few lines of this stupid poem I was thinking about yesterday:-

Another one lies bleeding,
as dust covers the coffin,
dreams of entropy and disaster,
life worth living turned to dust,
hate is what i have in store,
true, theres a beast inside us all,
true, night bids adieu,
but have you ever really wondered,
why we don't sleep in the day?,
Serenity showers at night,
we feel at night,
darkness is a friend not a foe,
feelings aren't supposed to die, they should grow,
not on trees but inside us all,
shadows away in the meadow,
grassy green fields of futile pathos.
Creeping solo drives around the land,
on the empty streets of pain and disorder,
I wonder why carnivores are caged and we roam around,
we're more dangerous than them,
we, the discoverers of weapons,
of nuclear reactors, bombs, guns,
landmines take lives, people lose family,
all for what?, for power?, for the sake of land,
theres noone to blame, noone to point fingers at,
it's just us, and ourselves, and the way we are,
locked in a cage I write, this poem of feel,
of mindless setlists of outdated lyrics,
and revenge and sorry and grief,
not to forget the way I am, the new leaf,
the new leaf that left behind it's picture,
the new leaf that left behind me!

Go, away, forever!

2005-03-30T12:35:00.000+05:00

A blind act of love,
has left me in space,
to grieve over sorrow,
as the earth drifts away.

Upside down I glide,
as scenes repeat,
in this parallel universe,
of irrelevant sightings, of a new day.

Do you really think I need air to breathe?,
I can breathe on my sigh's and my cries,
they're enough to keep me alive,
enough to make me strong, to have my own say.

Seasons change, yes they do,
people change, yes they do,
my feelings won't die, no they won't,
walls never decieve, they just don't.

Die, act of cry, die,
space is a final frontier,
atleast fade, now, die,
forever in twisted hate, just die.

End this siege of glitter,
take the soul, take it with you,
aimless...i'm content this way,
die reflection, go away.

The mirror just broke,
left me bleeding, left me in pain,
the blood-filled canvas, the torment in the first stroke,
has left the picture dead, the idea slain.

Rescue me or kill me,
buried voices are singing,
hate me, lie to me, just leave me,
leave me in peace...just keep playing.

Silence is here...my friend,
X-rays of deceit, disciples of fate,
quietly watch the fireplace change it's state,
as the coals of serenity, the clock of the future reach their end.

Burning pages of books,
erasing evidence of mingled glass,
look, look the way they turn to ashes,
the way they lift themselves, rise above.

Do you really think i care?.
of all this springing hate..
someday i'll be in those ashes,
and i'll fly away too...

From above, i'll throw down,
black pages of your past,
so that you read, understand, faint,
faint, wake, cry, walk, and die.

Silence speaks louder than you can imagine,
it hates more than all your hate combined,
and when it throws on you, your past,
you better pray for forgiveness fast.

The glass-house you broke,
the sacred tree that you cut down,
the blood that you forced to flow,
will never let you rest, never let you rest, not till you go,
away, forever!!!

2005-03-27T13:39:00.000+05:00

A very good friend "Samita" is working on a blog for me, and this picture is the blog main heading picture. It's lovely, and Samita, was too kind to actually sit and make a whole new layout for me.....

My wishlist......."sitting on a mountain, with the sea in sight, guitar in my hand, wind, peace, love, life.....

Thank you Samita, for the layout and this picture:)

2005-03-26T21:53:00.000+05:00

I will light the match this mornin', so I won't be alone
Watch as she lies silent, for soon night will be gone
Oh, I will stand arms outstretched, pretend I'm free to roam
Oh, I will make my way, through, one more day in Hell...
How much difference does it make
How much difference does it make, yeah...

I will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
Oh, I'll keep takin' punches until their will grows tired
Oh, I will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
Hey, I won't change direction, and I won't change my mind
How much difference does it make
Mmm, how much difference does it make...how much difference...

I'll swallow poison, until I grow immune
I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
How much difference
How much difference does it make .
(indifference-Pearl Jam)

Wrote this songs lyrics on the corduroy blog. Now my personal post on this one, how much difference does anything ever make to anyone i know ever.....

How much??

2005-03-22T14:17:00.000+05:00

Pain is a word,
trust hurts more,
life is a game,
death plays more

The corner of my room,
the orange/red light,
pseudo-joyous emotions,
the wrong, the false emerge right.

Pessimism is a friend,
optimism is a fad,
ravens are a handful,
doves are terminally mad.

Hope is a feeling,
sitting by the shore,
the more you want it,
more it tries to soar.

Sitting in the corner,
like a book on a shelf,
the more someone loves me,
the more i hate myself.

Blinded by vision,
paralysed by sight,
the day darkens,
as the light takes over the night.

Sleep is faith,
insomnia prays more,
pardon me when i say,
dreams locked the door.

The door from space,
an alien of fate,
regardless of thought,
I bow down to fate.

Fate is destiny,
loop holes of sin,
fight the war of life,
which noone wins.

2005-03-22T10:12:00.000+05:00

I will forever stay alive,
and breathe not till i'm dead,
I will bow down and confirm my strive,
to the part of me thats red.

My blood may flow,
my existence will glow,
conquest will have a friend.

I will return,
I won't succumb,
I won't drift away.

Whiff of fragrance,
scent of loss,
of untimely death and edible prey.

This is a song i wrote called "won't".

2005-03-20T15:13:00.000+05:00

So far or so it seems
All is lost with nothing fulfilled
Off the pages and the t.v. screen
Another world where nothing's true
Tripping through the life fantastic
Lose a step and never get up
Left alone with a cold blank stare
I feel like giving up
I was blinded by a paradise
Utopia high in the sky
A dream that only drowned me
Deep in sorrow, wondering why
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Then string him up for all the world to see
I'm sick of all you hypocrites
Holding me at bay
And i don't need your sympathy
To get me through the day
Seasons change and so can i
Hold on boy, no time to cry
Untie these strings, i'm climbing down
I won't let them push me away
Oh come let us adore him
Abuse and then ignore him
No matter what, don't let him be
Let's feed upon his misery
Now it's time for them to deal with me

I'm much wiser now
A lifetime of memories
Run through my head
They taught me how
For better or worse, alive or dead
I realize there's no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track
I sit down with my son
Set to see the crimson sunset
(gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
Many years have come and gone I've lived my life, but now must move on
(gather ye rosebuds while ye may)
He's my only one
Now that my time has come
Now that my life is done
We look into the sun 'seize the day and don't you cry,
Now it's time to say good-bye
Even though i'll be gone,
I will live on, live on.'

Two of my favourite stanzas from the Dream Theater song "A change of seasons" , it's written to perfection, the immaculately described shift from one feeling to another, and then the passage of a year and a new life beginning,
there are certain times in life when some people that you think of as "friends" pick a dagger and stab you multiple times everywhere, it doesn't kill, it only hurts, then you realize that all this time, you were blind-folded by a thing called " fake people, fake feelings, fake everything" and i don't usually prefer to abuse on my blog but, since i'm angst-ridden and really hurt to like the core, not like it matters but "FUCK YOU" i really really reallyyyy Hate you, bloody hypocritic fuckers...aah!!!

2005-03-15T21:32:00.000+05:00

The person in the picture is "Sarah" , my pierced eye girl, one of my sweetest friends, I really really adore her. Shes the one responsible for the layout of this blog that i'm writing on. "Shes the pierced eye girl" she likes the same music as i do, and i feel sooooo myself when i talk to her, shes extra special and this is an ode to her, a friend that i truly adore, adore alot.

Some people you can't ever thank, this i had to do to thank her...

Thank You Sarah!

2005-03-14T12:52:00.000+05:00

I strive to hide,
I look to see,
My veil is black,
Indigo flowers,
I run, i hide,
I didn't do it,
I'm innocent.

This cell is a virginal account of a mislead life. I want to hide, because i don't want others to see, not only me but the book i wrote. I hide in a crowd of people, false hopes and droplets of water green. This is a lie, not only this book, but the cover, the words, the feelings, the hate, the season change, everything is just a plain lie. These eyes see, but why can't they identify, good, bad , wrong, right, why not?. Why should I be a metronome for people to play in time.

Hope is fate,
fate is would,
would is sight,
sight is lie,
lie is true,
true is wrong,
wrong is birth,
end is death.

Delving into the vivid world of abstractness leaves me feel even more in the dark, but on the other hand it feels good, sort of like a paradox, a paradox of colour dappled in a veil of black and white. I repeat Veil, this halo that i hide in has fled from me today, but i still have it. Makes no sense but does make sense to itself. Every feeling in itself is a different feeling. Confusion is the prime of sorrow.

Sorrow of a confused soul,
happiness of one crippler,
treading towards the ultimate goal,
the glow of a dark black shimmer.

It ends when it starts, it starts when it has to end, every other perspective is a broadband account of narrow-mindedness, and vice versa, why this twist of fate?......destiny?

Destiny lives,
in lies of sorrow,
fate dies,
in the arms of rejoice.

2005-03-13T13:52:00.000+05:00

Transcending this earthly bound,
Breaking free from this chain,
After all it’s caused nothing but pain,
Pain so severe so penetrating,
For all these years I’ve been waiting,
Waiting for this wall to fall down,
Waiting for this diabolical beast to drown,
Waiting in this frigid corridor,
In the hope to see light,
In hope to someday walk the right,
The right track, the right path, the right way,
For all these years I’ve lived this iniquitous life,
Where I was just another dweller in the edifice of bother,
The edifice from where there was no escape,
Not a door not a window,
Lying there suffocating in the enigmatic chamber,
Not a hint of light not a tinge of happiness,
All gloomy all lamentable,
Not a soul in sight not a single companion,
All those who were there were Mephistophelian entities,
They had no heart they had no love,
All that there was to them was that hate that disgust,
Them and their awry thoughts, I
knew I just had to break free,
For living there was impossible,
I was warned of the dire consequences but I gave a silent shoulder,
I strove and broke free from that grotesque halo of frozen human emotions,
Though I had to walk the infinitesimal path,
Which I did and now that I’m out that existence is nothing,
Nothing but an old chapter in a proscribed book,
Context of which is nothing but utter enmity.

2005-03-12T14:34:00.000+05:00

In writing i play,
the song of silence,
night to death today,
notes mark their presence.

Minors to majors,
strumming life into a perfect octave,
from silent cells to roaring rivers,
travelling in a perplexed path through the forbidden cave.

In writing i play,
the wisdom that walls had,
as mighty sounds of will have their say,
as screaming echoes of retribution make me mad.

Seeds of creation in a chorus,
twisted logic of an untimely bend,
different meanings in a thesaurus,
light signals a subtle start to a premature end.

Okay the story behind this poem is well i just found this picture in Ali bhai's album and well i was messing around with it in photoshop when i came up with this, so well it inspired me to write, and here is what i wrote, molding the theory of music to the theory of life and vice versa as to explain musically the start and end to a particular phase.

Oh and by the way, Thank You Sarmad bhai for modelling for this particular piece, i'm sorry i used it without your consent. All apologies.

2005-03-08T10:05:00.000+05:00

The lies hath spoken,
we wish they never had,
blood flows as we rest broken,
as we conform to this peurile fad.

The clock strikes twelve,
down with the darkness,
left alone in pain to delve,
the utter enmity of madness.

Where do feelings go when they die?,
to heaven, to hell, where?.
Static it may seem, but time rolls by,
it rolls by leaving shadows behind, here there, everywhere.

The mirror has two faces,
one shines the other doesn't,
recalling those steps, those ten paces,
walk on them again, we mustn't.

We nod in approval to destiny,
not knowing that sometimes we have to make it on our own,
break free from this purgatory,
and shuffle our notes with a drone.

The metronome ticks as we play,
this game of life, this song of words,
i hope we never die, or never stay,
like these ravens, these blessed birds.

Reap this crop of we must,
even if it bows down to rust,
even if it gets infested by a cursed locust,
even if existence turns to rubble, to dust.

We are soldiers of fortune, fighters without a cause,
die sweet symphony, die prelude,
hope was never a feeling but a vindictive clause,
Inseparable are we, me, my solace, and my solitude.

This poem defines how myself and my abstract half, that is my solitude are partners in crime. Crime known as "life" which infact is not a crime but something other than that, but in order to explain what i felt i had to take this into consideration. "We" is a collective pronoun, a collective abstract noun replacement.
Solitude never lives alone, it has someone to live with, everyone has solitude, everyone has that peace they so very wish to have, sight is a funny thing, seeing is believing, but belief is not sight. We have to feel somethings rather than just see them....

2005-03-05T11:05:00.000+05:00

A question well served,
'Is silence like a fever?'
'A voice never heard?'
'Or a message with no receiver?'

Pray they won't ask
Behind the stained glass
There's always one more mask

Has man been a victim
of his woman, of his father?
if he elects not to bother,
will he suffocate their faith?

Desperate to fall
Behind the Great Wall
That separates us all

When there is reason
Tonight I'm Awake
when there's no answer
Arrive the Silent Man

If there is balance
tonight He's Awake
If they have to suffer
There lies the Silent Man

Sin without deceivers
A God with no believers
I could sail by
on the Winds of Silence
And maybe they won't notice
But this time I think
It'd be better if I swim

When there is reason
Tonight I'm Awake
When there's no answer
Arrive the Silent Man
If there is balance
Tonight he's Awake
But if they have to suffer
There lies the Silent Man

Sometimes i think i'm the "silent man". This Dream Theater song pretty much says it all, everything i want to say, when there is reason, when theres no answer...arrive the silent man. The song is what i feel right now..."arrive the silent man"

2005-02-23T10:29:00.000+05:00

From the viewpoint to eternity,
from the forest to the echo,
from the whisper to the silence,
a journey incomplete,
a silent road an empty street.

From epilogue to prologue
from word to word,
from start to end,
a reality exposed,
the book is now closed.

From second to minute,
from the path to destiny,
from left to right,
a disease i desire to kill,
something thats more like a proscribed pill.

From the darkness to the light,
from the staircase to the cellar,
from the door to the window,
the power of the fairy has been shown,
the once caged bird has now flown...

2005-02-08T16:06:00.000+05:00

Let the darkness fill my lungs,
and the unfathomable soul resurrect.
Let the haunting of misery begin,
and the reign of happiness end.
Let the effort give up,
and the pessimism make way.
Let the hope get overshadowed,
and the despair stand tall.
Let the tension for once slide away,
and the utopic visions be shown.
Let the burning regard of death salute,
and the unprecedented life end,
for now everything i had or have,
everything near and far,
everything petrified and proficient,
rests calmly on the floor as ashes,
as the body and soul of the pure,
goes up where nothing is as broke,
goes UP IN SMOKE!!!

2005-02-05T21:04:00.000+05:00

waking up to an angry father,
waking up to an angry brother,
waking up to an angry sister,
waking up to a crying mother,
waking up like this is not waking up at all,
wheres the morning sunshine now?,
where are the chirping birds now?,
are they angry too?
wheres the morning aura now?
where are the flying souls of peace now?
are they gone too?
tears flow as the silent night ends,
tears flow as the holy night passes,
unabridged novels,
eternal epilogues,
waking up to a never ending hollow abyss,
waking up to a forever engorging painfull incision,
misdirected vision,
inferior self motivation,
stiff neck, aching body,
blurred sight, nil imagination,
trees stand tall,wind blows the leaves,
denial is how i fall, hate is what i percieve,
wake to this wake to that,
wake to them wake to me,
but in the end left behind is the fact,
acquainted souls and loved ones don't see,
waking up like this is not waking up at all....

2005-02-01T21:39:00.000+05:00

Bleeding darkness,
failing eyes,
deathly loneliness,
haunting goodbyes,
flamboyant facades of cowardness,
extreme reactions of elite disgust,
all i can do is sit and endure the rudeness,
all i can do is sit in the corner and rust.
The silent corner of immense solitude,
the fortress of differential emotions,
the abode of wrong judgements,
the evil of attitude.
Proscribed emissions of diseased spectra,
and the foreseen consequences of an insignificant plethora.
Silent corner of my dark room,
silent nights of my leisurely delight,
silent corner of flamboyant facades,
silent mind after a suicidal raid!!

2005-02-01T14:51:00.000+05:00

How we live and die,
run and hide, give up and try,
wish to be shown and admired,
all at the same time.
How we see the ball go from court to court,
see the hand slip from the tiller on the boat,
and wish for someone to help us not drown,
all at the same time.
How we hate everyone,
and expect to be loved in return,
how we kill and destroy,
and still seek forgiveness,
at the same time.
How we are us,
and we are not them,
but they are us,
and we are not them,
how we want to be them,
but in the end,
it's just us wanting to be them,
and them not even being close to us,
all at the same torturing time.

2005-01-26T23:48:00.000+05:00

The sky is the limit,
end is near,
what goes around comes around,
life, life, life,
strive hard and you'll find,
a gem a treasure a sign,
what goes around comes around,
for sometimes in life,a treasure awaits you,
when you least know about it.
Compromise, excercise the rights,
to get it for you own it,
a gem a treasure a sign,
when you least know about it.
Walk the lonely path,
with the gem in hand,
and forget all about it,
life would be a mess,
if there was no rain,
but would be awful,
if there were no flowers to hold,
reasons to tell,
gifts to take,and smiles to give,
but when it all ends,
you keep realizing,
that sometimes in life,
you do get happiness,
when you least know about it

Written for a friend, but when i sat down and started writing it, it sort of nurtured into a song, and the basic theme for it would be that sometimes in life, even when you're sad and gloomy, you do get a sign.That treasure, that sign, is enough to lead you through and walk with you through the lonely path of your lifely existence.....

For all my friends :)

2005-01-25T18:43:00.000+05:00

Pray for the soul who worshipped you,
kill the one who manipulated your life.
I'm possessed and i shall always be,
with harm and night and dark light,
i'm dead and i'll always be,
for when i lost deeds i lost my sight,
absence of sight is the presence of hate,
order of disgust is my fate,
creatures of the dark night rise,
you have a new king a new refuge,
a new person a new light,
to turn your death into death,
and your pain into pain,
for i always was,
and always am,
and always will be,
possessed and away,
dead and hurt,
lost and found,
pain bound!!

2005-01-24T22:22:00.000+05:00

I will meet you in 5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait to hold your hand,
ruffle your hair,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait to see your face,
see you smile,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait to give you the roses i saved up ,
and give you the cards i made,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait for us to recall past memories,
and keep talking and talking,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait to hug you,
and walk in the rain with you,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait to have ice cream with you,
and throw confetti on you,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait for you to say peekaboo,
and me getting scared just to see you happy,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait for you to buy me stuff,
and me insisting on not taking it but end up taking it,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait for you to bust out in laughter,
when i do something stupid,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait for you getting mad,
and me ending up throwing rose petals on you,
5 minutes past next year,
i can not wait for you and me together,
and the time you depart,
and me saying ” see you in 5 minutes past next year”

Something that means alot to me as i wrote this for my best friend!:)

2005-01-12T12:33:00.000+05:00

Night time, look up and see, the moon the stars, darkness shining, smiling at you. Black visions. What is black?..in my view it's more than just a colour, it's mere feelings defined through this medium. It's natural, what colour does the sky turn at night?...black...what colour is most people's hair?..
black...it has a natural bond with us humans, moreover, when we close our eyes...we do see black, not green, not brown, but black. Words sometimes, no wait words most of the time can't really express what a man feels about certain things. Trying isn't hard. Black is usually used as an expression of someones sadness. Atrocious, bad, depressing, dingy, dirty, hopeless, gloomy, mournful, lugubrious, all these words describing sadness are synonyms of black in the modern day thesaurus, it's like countries have national anthems as their representing ambassadors, sadness has black as it's ambassador. How and why did this happen, well to be very honest i think it's because Light signifies Good and purity and Darkness is the absence of light. But Darkness is not a thing in itself, it's just the absence of light, just like theres no such thing as cold, it's just the absence of warmth. Usually, when a person is down we use the term blue, "that person is down and blue, maybe darkness struck him". It has always signified evil and death. Mourners wear black clothes on the deceased's funeral, every movie we see, every horror flick, has black signifying the villain. But black is not always bad, remember Baa Baa sheep wasn't orange, it was Black, and that's a nursery rhyme that we teach kids in nursery. "Ringa Ringa Roses a pocket full of poses, ashes ashes, we all fall down", what colour are ashes, not pink but black, and this too is a nursery rhyme, which goes to show that eventhough it's percieved as a symbol of damnation and hatred and what not, it still exists in anthems , nursery rhymes for children that they learn while growing up. Apart from that, let's now discuss why it's a symbol of hatred, although it isn't bad, but i guess it is, thats paradoxic right there, bad and good at the same time. We, though have always been taught how good is light, and bad is dark, and that good always wins, but that's just plain clich'ed. The truth of the matter is that there isn't any good and there isn't any bad and there isn't a war, practically speaking ofcourse.True evil does exist, but it isn't entirely evil now is it?, there is good in it too. Black windowpanes and black room paints, why do people find it soothing, people that are flooded by misery ofcourse, that question remains to be answered. Maybe it's because they find comfort and refuge amid their sad lives. And sometimes their black ways aren't the reasons for them being sad. It's society and the lies that society tells them. Black exists in music too, usually referring sad lyrics that are mostly blasphemous, but even in blasphemous songs, there is something to ponder over. What got them to write them, what was the fear they had, or the force that jolted them to write them. Let's take the example of one of the pioneer bands that started playing metal or shall i say black metal, Black Sabbath, intriguing why they used black before sabbath, which is a holy day for the christians, maybe it's their demented brains or the plain fact that they wrote and played and sang what they felt was soothing for them. They wrote a song called "sabbath bloody sabbath", and it had a stanza in it which went like:-

Nobody will ever let you know,
when you ask the reasons why,
they just tell you that you're on your own,
fill your head all full of lies......

And think and ponder over these lyrics, these are a hundred percent right, black was the inspiration to write words of wisdom so to speak in a blasphemous song, black does wonders alright. Serenity and peace, although the white dove is white, the feeling is black, serenity is black, serenity painted black, black strokes of peace.Have you ever wondered why black is the favourite colour for so many people, looks good, yes, but there is another reason, it's the feeling, it's the emotional attachment people have with the colour. It's soothing to the eyes. So-called HAPPY colours are no match for this very colour. In this age, teenagers would prefer a black guitar over let's say red or white. Where did the line " don't be gloomy, be happy " go when they chose a black guitar over a red one, hypocritic no?. But they really can't help it can they?. Guess not, the end statement here is that, black might be gloom and death and torment, but it's an un-separable part of people and it is refuge and a ticket out from all the hypocrisy present in this very world we live in....

And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything?
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
(Black-Pearl Jam)

This actually was written for my friend Beenie, so she has the sole copyrights for this piece, but i just thought i'd put it up here...:)

2005-01-07T19:24:00.000+05:00

The moon overshadowed the sun,
scenes from a distant memory,
years spent in ignorance,
years wasted in depending,
on an invisible wall,
with the strength to make you happy,
and making you fall.
A change of command,
a change in view,
all dark no light,
all bad no right.
Pledges made to make it go away,
the eclipse had gotten to them,
but the way things were,
and the way things are,
and the way the dark was an asylum,
for those who suffered in light,
for those who even when wrong were right,
in the memory of an eclipse,
in the memory of my past,
in the memory of a broken dream,
in the memory of scenes from a distant memory!!!

2005-01-07T18:21:00.000+05:00

The sky went black,
the wind started blowing,
and it rained...
the lies had taken over
and the truth was crucified
and it rained....
hypocrites had their day
the righteous were thinking of running away
and it rained....
darkness had covered the horizon
the light couldn't find its path
and it rained....
the disciples of the demon of savagery cast their reign
they sowed the seeds of grief and woe
and it rained....
it rained and it rained
till the dwellers of the fort of darkness melted
it rained and it rained
till the rising sun spread its light
it rained and it rained
till the evil died and only the good remained
it rained and it rained
till truth decaptitated the lie
it rained and it rained
till the rainbow came out
and signalled the sign of a new dawn,
a new era,
a new beginning
yes it had rained!!

2005-01-05T00:09:00.000+05:00

A twist of fate,
a work of hope,
the tendency to hate,
inability to cope.
I drown when i'm on ground,
and now that i'm flying,
i'm buried deep within,
the thing called apathy,
the thing called fate,
is there life?
is there hope?
the fine line between white and black,
the intimate relation between hate and love,
life and death,
hate and love,
shadows of disarray,
minds of misdirection......

Incomplete words are a bliss, darkness is an energy source, to power generators of mindless mindsets...and apathetic lies!

2005-01-03T22:35:00.000+05:00

Walk down the isle and make me believe,
that there are things alive to see,
hold my hand and wander with me,
a brand new day a brand new start,
till i fall down, till death do us part,
till wrinkles overshadow youth,
and blindness defeats vision.
Till the birds keep chirping,
and the sun keeps rising,
and the truth keeps telling,
the lies to leave,
and the choir boys sing,
on yet another christmas eve,
and the snowman is made day in day out,
and the things keep working without any doubt,
till life comes at a standstill and requires a new start,
till my blood gets sucked, till death do us part,
and the truth keeps telling,
the lies to leave,
and the choir boys sing,
on yet another christmas eve,
and the snowman is made day in day out,
and the things keep working without any doubt,
till life comes at a standstill and requires a new start,
till my blood gets sucked, till death do us part,
till the day i finally give up and turn away,
till the day i leave you on your own to pray,
till the day i hear voices and break your heart,
till the day i rise above, till death do us part,
i will not for once even think of it,
i will not for once even dream of it,
as i keep hoping to hold your hand from now till never,
a brand new start,
till death do us part!!!

2005-01-03T21:53:00.000+05:00

The vivid inspiration of a vivid life,
the healthy desperation of a dying breed,
the thought of a million minds,
the night of a million cries,
silent night holy night,
silent tears holy grails,
reincarnated reflections,
horrendous visions,
silent night holy night,
silent tears broken heart,
nightingale sings without a voice,
night passes without a dream,
hate succumbs without fear,
death suffers without a reason,
silent night holy night,
silent tears silent roads,
silent mind of a silent night,
silent end to a silent life!!

2004-12-29T14:21:00.000+05:00

Looking up, the moon hidden behind the clouds, something goes through my mind, atleast the cloud has someone to hide behind. Real life, haaah, whats real, whats fake, i don't know, what comes up, has to come down, newtons law of gravity, WHAT IS GRAVITY, a transparent mirror.Either look at it or look through it, you won't ever get an image, all you have to do is visualize that it's there, thats life...even if you don't know what things are, you just have to believe that they exist, fake smiles, fake fake...everythings fake..."theres a reason for everything" , makes me wonder, how can there be a reason for everything when all our life we've been taught things that we don't even know...we don't even know if they're real, who should we ask...the reason??....does a reason even exist??...i don't really believe that anymore.Degeneration, everything dies, all the lies, all the truth, everything dies, not because it wants to but because it just has too, thats what life is at the moment, eventhough i might not want to do something, but i have to, because apparently what i do effects other people..and well that makes me or wait it forces me never to be down and always be happy, because it hurts people when i'm down, and that would be criminal no?
Asylum, heh! what a term, if you're lost and dead to the world, you'll always have an ASYLUM somwhere, BUT WHERE??...top of mount everest, deep down ?...where...if it were that easy i'd have an asylum too, if TRUE LOVE did exist, wouldn't i get a little tinge of it, 19 years...hah 19 years "oh my you're too young to think about stuff like that" " study" as if......to study you need to have motivation, motivation that something good will happen if you get somewhere, but everything dies, so why try...nice philosophy....schizophrenic illusions of a GOOD LIFE...haah...GOOD life, when will i ever get to see GOOD LIFE???

In the mist i was standing,
staring at the moon,
in the rain i was crying,
to seek refuge,
in the darkness i was bleeding,
to eject pain,
in life i was dying,
to have life,
not life,
good life,
lies lies lies!!!

2004-12-04T09:15:00.000+05:00

There has fallen a splendid tear,
From the passion-flower at the gate.
She is coming, my dove, my dear;
She is coming, my kife, my fate;
The red rose cries, 'She is near, she is near;'
And the white rose weeps, 'She is late;'
The larkspur listens, 'I hear, I hear;'
And the lily whispers, 'I wait.'

She is coming, my own, my sweet;
Were it ever so airy a tread,
My heart would hear her and beat,
Were it earth in an earthy bed;
My dust would hear her and beat,
Had i lain for a century dead;
Would start and tremble under her feet,
And blossom in purple and red

From Maud; A monodrama by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Truly one masterclass poem, no wonder he was such a rated romantic poet, says what i want to, universal appeal is present, i shall wait too, for when you wait, you get your due treat!!

2004-12-04T09:07:00.000+05:00

Through the reality of fantasy,
through the truth of the lie,
through the day in the night,
through the love of hate,
the catacombs of life,
the crypts of death,
the slow decaying of feelings,
the untimely death of sight!!!

2004-11-29T23:43:00.000+05:00

Have you ever been so alone?
that nothing seems right and everything seems wrong.
Have you ever been so alone?
that everywhere you see, a blurred vision pops up and says " hello".
Have you ever been so alone?
that anywhere you go it feels as if loneliness has taken over.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you feel someones coming but in real its just another halucination.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you look up in the sky and the clouds seem to go away.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you look at your side and one moment someones there and the next noone is.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you just sit there and wonder " why you?".
Have you ever been so alone?
that you go through old transcripts and start to weep.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you think,"maybe this is what you were made for".
Have you ever been so alone?
that you feel surges and chills going up and down your spine.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you visualize the room as dark eventhough its broad daylight.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you just sit there and the only thing thats listening to you is your ownself.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you hear voices from the past,those childhood cheers,those playful moments.
Have you ever been so alone?
that you visualize yourself to be someone you're actually not.
Have you ever been so alone? that you keep on seeing a picture of a tall tree and wish it to be your best friend.
Have you ever been so alone?
that even loneliness seems to be sick of you...

2004-11-19T12:40:00.000+05:00

Wishes that haven't come out,
tears that haven't been shed yet,
stories that haven't been told yet,
truth that has not been blurted out,
love and affection that has not been shown yet,
reality that hasn't been accepted yet,
all this because the mind is in doubt,
all this because i have lost my ability to shout.
I tried telling you but i failed,
you sat there crying all veiled.
Silence was our first and last asset,
destiny was our first and last enemy,
i tried telling you but i failed,
you sat there crying all veiled.
I tried bringing down the wall,
i tried because i thought our love stood tall.
Whatever the case was, atleast you should've said it,
whatever the case was, atleast you should've told me.
I tried telling you but i failed,
you sat there crying all veiled.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be,
maybe it was meant to be,
maybe i was wrong,
maybe you were wrong.
I tried telling you but i failed,
you sat there crying all veiled,
the sun did come out that day,
the birds did chirp that day,
but what good were they when you were moving away.
I tried telling you but i failed,
you sat there crying all veiled.
I still try and tell your soul,
that when you left you drilled in my heart a hole.
I tried telling you but i failed,
you sat there crying all veiled,
i made one last effort to make up,
but then,
i tried failing to fail.....But i failed!!!

2004-11-04T19:48:00.000+05:00

Loneliness slowly carving me from the inside,
asylums have been nuked, where should i hide?
Terraces are cold,
tears are old.
The crops of grief have been grown,
true colours of colourless hate have been shown.
My last resort has been brought down,
my once floating life is preparing to drown. .........

sometimes, feelings have a sudden change of direction, vision goes through a partial phase of blindness and all you can do is stop, this stop means more than the whole idea itself, it's not where or when you stop, it's about WHY you stop.
The theme is not the poem, not the words, not the idea, but the abrupt end of a certain phase and the start of another which inturn makes you stop and think about other things, which is why this poem might look incomplete, but to me it's more complete than maybe other complications.
And these complications give rise to mutual journeys on the same road, the road of maybe faith and hope or maybe the road of enmity and calamities.

2004-11-04T14:23:00.000+05:00

The teddy bear enjoying in it's palace..sun tanning and all, god i just love it...:)

Who am i?

2004-10-28T18:32:00.000+05:00

Sometimes i wander off in the wilderness,
walk through the enchanted forest of forgiveness,
dry autumn leaves crunch under my feet,
and watching the scene is such a treat.
But often when i wander off, i wonder,
who am i?
am i me?i
f i am then who is me?
am i another stranger looking for an identity,
or am i just another person who stumbles upon his existence,
without knowing what went where and why,
am i just another animal?
an animal who in his home finds shelter,insecurity or a cowardly act of sensitivity.
Often i wonder,
who am i?
am i me?if i am then who is me?
another particle in a gust of wind,
another one who gives up and refuses to fight,
who am i?
am i me?
if i am then who is me?
am i another one of them trees,who stand tall but fall miserably in a storm.
Who am i?
What am i?
I am me....
Me is mee..
.and i am free,
Temporarily..!!!!

2004-10-26T05:34:00.000+05:00

Taste the scythe!!!

Taste the scythe,
for when you were asked to do good, you did bad.
Taste the scythe,
for you shed the blood of innocent humans.
Taste the sycthe,
for you stood watching with an evil grin when countless women were raped infront of you.
Taste the scythe,
for you treated humans like animals.
Taste the scythe,
for you killed innocent humans who committed the sin of falling in love.
Taste the scythe,
for you beheaded those who refused to bow infront of you.
Taste the scythe,
for you were sweet as sugar from the outside, and inside you were just a poison waiting to flow out.
Taste the scythe,
for you acted as if the whole land was yours and only yours and noone elses.
Taste the scythe,
for you did everything you weren't asked to do.

Pleading for forgiveness won't help,
crying those fake tears won't help,
you've had your fun now let me have mine,
I am the grim reaper and tis the end of your time.
Had you been a better human i wouldn't have come,
since now i'm here i'll be turning your palace into a slum,
for all your life you screwed nature up,
now it's natures turn to screw you up.
You demon of savagery,
You holder of immense evil.

Taste the scythe,
and bid the world farewell,
Taste the scythe,
and get ready to die,
Taste the scythe,
and see your own skin bleed,
Taste the scythe,
and watch me stab you for each and every evil deed.

2004-10-24T23:20:00.000+05:00

This is not just a vase, it's a celebration of life.How?...well it's simple, it signifies and explains the motionless feelings of an individual.Sometimes by not doing anything you do a lot, this vase might not know but it means alot to a lot of people.If you go and ask someone, what makes a vase or for that matter any other thing so special, they wouldn't be able to answer, not because they're tongue tied and twisted and earth bound misfits (bless you Pink Floyd for this line) but because some feelings are better off not explained, some emotions are better if they just stay inside you, only to be known by a few people.What made me write this thing was that this vase was made by my best friend Saadia, who's art i have previously used in this blog as well.And what makes this vase special is it's simplicity and the way it's drawn.She might not have known when she was making this that i would write about it, but see I AM...that's the beauty of life, a single moment or a million gazillion moments, the moment of truth or the moment of detentive results, you never know what will happen.Phases, chapters, divisions, frets, anything that signifies the term " period " can be used to explain the term " life" because quite frankly life is a period, a division.Of different emotions and different feelings, an amalgamation of various aspects, a field with different players each having his own forte.And what i think or what i feel is that, alongwith the fact that life is a motionless passing train, it's a continuously moving airplane, but what is the difference, trains travel on ground, airplanes grace the skies.
How are these two connected?....."ups and downs" "smiles and frowns" ....let me explain it a little further, consider a packet of Candyland jelly bears on a table, noone touches it, that's motionless passage of time, and the next moment a person goes to the table, tears open the packet, and eats it, thats the journey....journey from the first feeling to the last, the last being destiny.
Coming back to the picture, as you can see there are a lot of different visible fragments and partitions, and within each box or fragment, there is a different image, or a different visual.....and then theres the vase infront of it.
And this is the beauty of a simple picture, it can be explained in a million ways, there are endless possibilities, there is no end to the diversity of a human brain.And this is the main reason Allah asked us to focus on things, to focus and to admire them, but with a restricted vision you can't do this, it is to vast a field to explore, too big a sea to swim and too big a mountain to climb, but what we CAN do is to do our best and explore, don't see a tree as a tree, see the tree as something present, something marking it's presence...its EXISTENCE....this theory is mine and i follow it, but it is for you people who read this too...have an open mind, a broad vision, and remember, "not everyone who have eyesight, have a vision too" and that is one thing that always seeks my attention, even while having soooooo much we have soooo little, and even when we have soooo little, we have so much, it's a paradox...a way of differentiating, high's from low's good from bad...smile from frown....
I guess thats about it, my feelings for this vase are immense, because it was made by a person who means the world to me, who always leaves a smile on my face, whenever i talk to her, whenever i see her, and whenever i hear her laughing and see her happy....:)

2004-10-24T01:52:00.000+05:00

Star filled sky

This isn't a poem or an article, this is just an account of what i saw today, something that i haven't seen before, the star filled sky, i just went on the rooftop to see if there were any clothes left that had been washed earlier, and i was like startled and totally mystified and i don't know whatelse, i was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and it was really cold, but somehow i just started looking at the sky, and kept singing" twinkle twinkle little star" i mean thos e cute little twinkling stars were like so neat, looked as if someone sprayed glitter all over the black sky, and then i went to the corner and looked down upon " the road" , all the streetlights were on, and the shadows of the tree were visible, and it was all empty, and i just wished i had a camera, well then i came down, and called up Saadia, and told her to go out and see what i saw.....

Sometimes all you need is a look up in the sky, to get you to believe, that " there is life" ..." there is still hope"

Looking up in the sky,
the glittery star filled sky,
the cute little twinkling stars,
seemed so near yet so far!!!!

2004-10-23T22:12:00.000+05:00

Into the battle:a victorless war, the thin line

Far from across the horizon,
a cry came beckoning,
a voice yearning to be heard,
a plea, a request.
The battle gloves were on,
the hate spree was ready to be unfolded.
Face to face came both the enemies,
both compatriots who were once friends,
who once played with each other.
Sworn enemies now, ultimate foes.
One was proclaimed good, one was termed as evil,
a metaphoric good goes against evil battle,
but that wasn't the case,the good was evil too,
the evil did some good too.
The battle began,the bloodshed began,
arrows here, sword thrusts there,
decapitated heads swindling around like stones,
not an hour had passed and the army was dwingling,
no water, no peace, no serenity,
one went after the other,
all down, all dead,
left in the end were the two,
the good and the evil,soldiers fighting for their very cause,
dedicated in doing what they woed to do,
to kill the other, to finish the others race,
one jabbed the other, the other hit the first,
the fighting continued,
the angst venting out,one of them fell down,
nearly dead,but he thought to himself, "why should i die when he lives"
so he mustered courage and got up and stabbed the other in the back,
slowly, very slowly, as night over shadowed the bloody field,
both of them died,
both of them succumbed to the wounds,
there was no good left to spread,there was no evil to kill,
was that the perfect ending?
as this thought graced the mind,
two young children came out, from each side,
from the tents that once sported their fathers,
they got together and started playing in the pool of blood,
was it over?, were good and evil actually conforming,who knows,
we might have another good against evil battle.
And all these years we have been taught,
good always wins,evil always loses,
but the truth is; noone wins,
it's a victorless battle,
he thin line between good and evil,
the equilibrium,from here to eternity,
from mindset to thought process!!!!

2004-10-22T13:40:00.000+05:00

Someday

Today i lie in the dungeon of hate,
My hand my feet tangled in chains,
I scream i shout, i cry in pain,
but all these efforts seem to go in vain,
I struggle i strive i soak in rain,
the rain of terror destruction mistake,
Try to cut my hand slit my throat,
But why let it get to me?
Is this the only way to set myself free?,
Free from this place this hate boat,
break the shackles and jump into the river,
let my teeth chatter and my body shiver,
No Way!
SOmeday these chains will rust,
Someday i'll have someone to trust,
Someday this all will break,
Someday i'll realize my mistake,
Someday i'll see sunshine,
And everything i ever wanted will be mine,
Somedayy...Yes somedayy..!!

This is a poem about hope.This was written in the " not so good time of my life" when everything seemed so very dark and gloomy but there is always hope, it dwells in everyones heart:)

2004-10-22T13:29:00.000+05:00

The feeling

Theres this feeling i have inside,
Because of which i seek refuge i hide,
Makes me feel alone, as if noones on my side,
Never lets me be happy,
Always makes me feel crappy,
In the dark i sit all day long,
With my guitar in my hand,i sing a song,
The song of torment,agony and anguish.
But then again this thing is not real,
The pain i have inside cannot heal,
Then i just break down and cry,
Hey Hey,My My
I can't live like this maybe i should just die,
But on second thought why should i?
I'll make this feeling go away,
i wont let it stay
Feeling Feeling set me free,
I won't bother you and you dont bother me.!

One of my earlier poems, inspired by Neil Young's "hey hey my my" , which is pretty much evident!!

2004-10-22T13:22:00.000+05:00

Fatalist for a day

Fatalist for a day,
Maybe ill stay this way,
dusk embraces dawn owns,
the blood flows and the beast moans,
in anger in pain,
for it has been slain,
slain with a silver sword,
for all it was doing was playing god,
ruining lives of the faultless,
casting its domination over the land,
fatalist for a day,
ill finish hate before it runs away,
ill pull it from the inside and throw it somewhere far,
far where noone can even see it,
for its nothing but a disvisioned image,
of bloodshed sorrow grief and anger,
fatalist for a day,
i killed i destroyed,
but what i destroyed was not the good,
but the evil that is there nomore,
fatalist for a day,
im here to make the guilty pay,
bring back light and hope into the lives of those who suffered,
for they deserve everything,
everything thats pure,everything thats salutary
fatalist for a day,
the anarchy of the pernicious will haunt us nevermore

Inspired by a kW(Khurram Waqar) instrumental called " fatalist for a day" as well...

2004-10-22T13:18:00.000+05:00

Seasons change

Where there was once a tree,
now there is a wooden statue standing amid fallen leaves.
Where there was once a building,
now all the eyes can see is rubble.
Where there were once scattered pages,
now all that is left are ashes.
Where there were once children playing,
now all that one can see is silence expressing itself visually.
Where there was once a gorgeous garden,
now all that we see are drooped flowers.
Where there were once breathtaking forests,
now nothing but emptiness can be seen.
Seasons do pass..things do change,
everthing drifts but isn't it strange,
all thats left behind are the people,
people who care,people who share,
people who we love people who swipe away our tear.
Yes seasons do change..winter to summer autumn to spring,
but the people who do care are always there to sing,
with us the song of love.!

2004-10-22T13:10:00.000+05:00

A new leaf!

Darkness fills the room,
temperature rises slightly,
vision blurs and the ground starts shaking,
a whirlpool forms which turns into an abyss,
i blink my eyes and the next thing i know,
im falling into the abyss,
i scream but the vacuum mutes the sound,
atlast i feel a thump,
im somewhere i’ve been before,
maybe in my dreams,
maybe in real,
the brick layered floor,
the one door on the right,
the thing continuously coming towards me,
mumbling something,
as it gets closer and closer,
i feel myself drifting someplace else,
it’s like time travel and one moment im there,
and the other moment im not,
now im in this big forest,
but im on the top of it looking down,
at green trees and dew drops on leaves,
my eyes automatically focus on a leaf,
a black leaf with drops of water sliding down from it,
what does it signify?
does it signal the start of a new life?
does it signify hope amid giving up?
does it bring the message of peace?
does it teach not to conform to society and be what you are?
does it narrate a question with no answer?
and at the very moment these thoughts linger in my mind,
i wake up to the light entering my room,
and all is forgotten,
the new leaf leaves behind questions unanswered,
the new leaf leaves behind me!!!

2004-10-22T13:04:00.000+05:00

Dead

The agony killed her,
stabbed her a hundred times,
the taunts...the taunts,
the way her friends laughed at her when she smiled,
the way people left her when she needed them the most,
the way her parents always called her a stupid and immature human being,
the way she always thought twice about doing something,
the way she always thought of herself as her own best friend,
all of them killed her…
Now she lies helpless,souless,
on the floor with blood all around her,
homicide freaks snapping her body,
detectives looking for evidence,
but what can they find?,
can they find the hate all the people had for her?,
can they find the pain she went through?,
can they find the words that jumbled in her head when disgust was all she got?,
can they find why she wanted to be happy and why she couldn’t be?,
can they find love for her now that shes dead?,
no they cannot,
its her body that lies not either of them,
they dont care its all in a days work for them,
they dont realise that the world just lost another soul because of ignorance,
shes dead,
shes gone,
the scene proves it,
dead as dead can be,
but alive in her own heart,
alive in the book of pain,
alive in the tale of another one who gave in,
alive in the valley of death!!!

The picture accompanying this poem was quite disturbing, so i chose not to put it up here...

2004-10-22T01:21:00.000+05:00

Dead to the world

Dead to the world but not to himself,
the warrior of faith lingers on,
Dead to the world but not to himself,
the warrior of faith moves on.
He might be locked deep down in the dungeon,
but he does see the light,
he might be locked deep down in the dungeon,
but he will always fight for right.
He does have bad times,
he also does cry,
he does have bad times,
he also has to say goodbye.
But that is no reason to hamper his cause,
to stop him from achieving what he wants to,
for he is the warrior of faith,
the warrior of right,
the warrior of sunshine,
the warrior of light,
he might be dead to the world but not to himself,
he might be a lowlife to others but not to himself,
he might be an erased word to others but not to himself,
dead to the world but not to himself,
the warrior of faith is hope within himself..!!

2004-10-21T19:54:00.000+05:00

Waking up!

waking up to an angry father,
waking up to an angry brother,
waking up to an angry sister,
waking up to a crying mother,
waking up like this is not waking up at all,
wheres the morning sunshine now?,
where are the chirping birds now?,
are they angry too?
wheres the morning aura now?
where are the flying souls of peace now?
are they gone too?
tears flow as the silent night ends,
tears flow as the holy night passes,
unabridged novels,
eternal epilogues,
waking up to a never ending hollow abyss,
waking up to a forever engorging painfull incision,
misdirected vision,
inferior self motivation,
stiff neck, aching body,
blurred sight, nil imagination,
trees stand tall,wind blows the leaves,
denial is how i fall, hate is what i percieve,
wake to this wake to that,
wake to them wake to me,
but in the end left behind is the fact,
acquainted souls and loved ones don't see,
waking up like this is not waking up at all....

2004-10-21T19:18:00.000+05:00

The Spiel

Transcending this earthly bound,
Breaking free from this chain,
After all it’s caused nothing but pain,
Pain so severe so penetrating,
For all these years I’ve been waiting,
Waiting for this wall to fall down,
Waiting for this diabolical beast to drown
Waiting in this frigid corridor,
In the hope to see light,
In hope to someday walk the right,
The right track, the right path, the right way,
For all these years I’ve lived this iniquitous life,
Where I was just another dweller in the edifice of bother,
The edifice from where there was no escape,
Not a door not a window,
Lying there suffocating in the enigmatic chamber,
Not a hint of light not a tinge of happiness,
All gloomy all lamentable,
Not a soul in sight not a single companion,
All those who were there were Mephistophelian entities,
They had no heart they had no love,
All that there was to them was that hate that disgust,
Them and their awry thoughts,
I knew I just had to break free,
For living there was impossible,
I was warned of the dire consequences but I gave a silent shoulder,
I strove and broke free from that grotesque halo of frozen human emotions,
Though I had to walk the infinitesimal path,
Which I did and now that I’m out that existence is nothing,
Nothing but an old chapter in a proscribed book,
Context of which is nothing but utter enmity

2004-10-21T14:12:00.000+05:00

And it rained...!!

The sky went black,
the wind started blowing,
and it rained...
the lies had taken over
and the truth was crucified
and it rained....
hypocrites had their day
the righteous were thinking of running away
and it rained....
darkness had covered the horizon
the light couldn't find its path
and it rained....
the disciples of the demon of savagery cast their reign
they sowed the seeds of grief and woe
and it rained....
it rained and it rained
till the dwellers of the fort of darkness passed away
it rained and it rained
till the rising sun spread its light
it rained and it rained
till the evil died and only the good remained
it rained and it rained
till truth decaptitated the lie
it rained and it rained
till the rainbow came out
and signalled the sign of a new dawn,
a new era,
a new beginning
yes it had rained!!

2004-10-21T14:06:00.000+05:00

Hope

Dark as it may seem,
horrid as it might sound,
a cloth not so clean,
a dirty bad howling hound.
Fraught and unsafe feelings,
insipid and stereotypical vision.
Hamper my journey,cross my path,
throw thorns,mock and taunt,
i'm colourblind and i'm motionless,
motionless i lie on the floor,
look up to the ceiling,
fear punctures the roof,
and death hovers all around.
I count the matchsticks on the floor,
matchsticks waiting to burn,
waiting to burn the place down,
waiting to pierce skin and dehydrate it,
waiting to suck my blood and spit it out,
waiting to finish what they started.
These matchsticks burn,
these matchsticks burn.
Hope lies in manipulation.....
As the place burns down,
in fire i notice,
a reflection of a vivid journey,
so much like mine,
so much like mine.
A parallel universe scenario,
a pardoxic and cliched occurence.
Hope indeed lies in destruction,
for when i sit weeping over my burnt abode,
i see tears in the fire,
tears like a bitter reflection,
a bitter yet a sweet aria,
hope making it's way through,
loss is so very evident,
disaster is so very near,
yet, i fail to understand,
why i still hope,
why i still dream,
even while standing over an edifice of ashes,
even while stomping over my own writings,
hope is the door,
knowledge is the key,
vision is the hallway,
and life is destiny.

2004-10-21T01:23:00.000+05:00

For the circle of trust!!!

For me and my friends, a circle of trust,
for my thoughts so that they don't rust,
for eyes so that they can atleast see,
for myself and what i want to be,
for the rain thats pouring on me right now,
for the feeling that keeps asking me how?,
for the love that gets me going,
for the past that keeps on showing,
for everyone i ever knew,
for the feelings that are true,
why would a blind man see,
when he can feel?
why would someone want pills,
when he can heal?
why would anything happen,
when it doesnt want to,
why would i write this,
if i didn't want to,
toggling mind waves,
gorey mass graves,
a flurry of lies,
and the last of my goodbyes!!!

Rain..!!

2004-10-18T23:19:00.000+05:00

Along the path i strode,
along the wet slippery road.
Sweet smell of pine,
a breath of heaven divine.

Rain is pouring down on me right now, i'm all wet.Wet with what you might ask, maybe it's fear, maybe it's in-security, or maybe it's just me.Afterall i am responsible for my actions.

Walking down that road wasn't as hard as it seemed at first, i just saw the trees and water dripping from the leaves, and i just couldn't move forward.Maybe fate wanted me to sit down there and think, maybe nature wanted me to rest in it's abode.So i just sat alongside the road.It started raining more and more as time passed by, but i didn't feel anything, maybe becauses senses got numb because of the feeling i had inside, maybe i wanted to get away and hide, but it didn't make any sense.Had i known the reason, i would've stated it, but i guess some reasons are better off not known, some questions are better off without an answer, some actions are better off without thought.That was the point i was pondering over, am i really responsible for devouring my own serenity or is it the mere feeling that serenity doesn't like me, but that seemed not logical, let alone practical.And as soon as this brain-wave hit me, i started thinking even harder, what could be the cause, what could be the reason, what could be the answer, doing the exact opposite of something i thought earlier.Sudden change of thought: can this be it??, " do i think too much?" i asked myself...complete silence, not an answer, not even the slightest of voices. Was i getting my much beloved "self-inducing" serenity back?, was i?.
Was i finally going to be an entity that has nothing to fear?.Not even my own self?.
A diminished thought!!! , mercy-less!!!!...what was happening to me, one minute i was left, the other i was right, looking up looking down, here there everywhere. Not a soul to be seen, not a single soul, was i destined to land there, but then i thought, " hey this place is 5 minutes from my house, i come here everyday, i pass by this road every single today, then why does this all seem so different TODAY?", another thought comes crashing in, i started recalling what could be so special that day, :my sisters birthday:,:result:,:concert: WHATT??. I couldn't think, yet i was thinking, strange, very strange was the whole scenario,i raised my arms, and i saw THE THING, i saw what Andrea had gave me on my birthday 4 long years ago, was it because of that?.Andrea was the cutest, most gorgeous lady that ever existed, her eyes, her hair, her smile.....Andrea....was it because...??? *Sigh*...

18th October:- The day Andrea died, the day she left me, weeping, screaming, she just left, she died in my arms, succumbing to the wounds she got in that car crash........

" I was with her, i was right next to her, why didn't i die?" *aaaaaaaaaaaah*, i started weeping and lied down on the grass, rain still pouring...."ahh well she's gone now"...but that bracelet, the thing that said " love is me and you" , i closed my eyes, and dreamt of me and Andrea, arm in arm, going through that very road, her head on my shoulder...*shattering glass* ..my brain was freezing, it was getting cold, is this what this is all about?, Remembering my loved on??? Remembering Andrea???

"i love you" ..don't know why i said it, i couldn't hold myself back....and i got up and sat on the grass.......

A day has passed, and i haven't moved from here..." i am responsible for my actions" i keep saying it to myself, i keep recapitulating the dreadful day, what have i said????
Does it even make sense...ahh well it doesn't have to.....

LOVE IS HER AND ME, LOVE IS ME AND HER, LOVE IS LOVE AND LONELINESS JUST BROKE THE VASE THAT LOVE MADE, THE HOUSE THAT LOVE BUILT HAS BEEN BROUGHT DOWN!!!

...........

An ode!!

2004-10-18T01:47:00.000+05:00

A segment of life...a continuum of existence!!

Made by a very, very, very ,very special friend of mine...Saadia.
This article is an ode to one of the bestest friends i've ever had or ever will have.
Something i've been meaning to write but just couldn't find the words to do so, not that i have the words write now but i want to write.Some stuff i don't know i just can't say to someone, and by " someone" i mean people, but see thats the quality that makes her all the more special, i can say anything to her, talk to her about anything, without wanting to think twice, and i guess that's the beauty of it all, it's like she truly understands me, she and me have the same choice, it's almost unbelievable at times but it's true, digits, food, music...yesterday i was like really upset on a real petty thing, and she called at that time, and i just knew that by the time she would hang up, i would have a smile on my face, and that is not just about yesterday, eveyrtime i talk to her, i have a smile on my face, be it her coming over to teach me maths, be it taking me out to pizza, be it her getting me a teddy bear.Me Trying to teach her guitar, and stuff like that. I recently wrote something for 4 people who have made a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my life, and yes Saadia was one of them.She will always be in my number 1 friend list....she calls me teddy bear anarkali, but " Saadia anarkali to tum ho" heheheh, anyways, this was an ode to one of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Saadia love you more than life, thank you for everything!!!

wait:is it worth it?

2004-10-18T01:09:00.000+05:00

I've always been taught... "sabar ka phal meetha hota hai" , it is true, when you wait you do get a better sweeter tastier fruit, but what about the time you wait?, life can change in a single click of a shutter.Speaking for myself, i've waited a lot, there was a time i waited for 4 hours in a single room with noone with me, and nothing to do.What i want to imply here is that, it does hurt, no wait let me rephrase that, it feels awkward, but it does pass, it always does.

LIfe is not static, life is not even equilibrium, life is a constant moving train of thought which has different stations and one single destination, everyone is a passenger of a train, the path is the same but everyone has his/her own station to get off on.

The more we wait, the more we learn "there is life, there is thought, there is a constant flurry of intellectual pathways waiting to be set foot on"

The Blue Sunrise!!

2004-10-15T22:57:00.000+05:00

I woke up today, not wanting to, maybe it was the dream i had, maybe it was because i didn't want to wake up to scenarios i face daily, a shy lullabish reportoire, or maybe a slick intentional action which would justify every move i make?.Whatever the fact might be, whatever consequences might bring, sheer class or grave danger, or maybe nothing that makes sense, like this thing i'm writing here for instance.I titled it the blue sunrise mainly because i don't see sunrise as shining and hope bringing, or maybe i do, maybe when some special friends are with me i do see sun shining but then again, a blue sunrise IS a sunrise afterall.This is in a thanking tone to some very special people in my life.Mehr, Saadia, Saniya and Rabiya, if it weren't for these 4 people, i wouldn't see the sunrise ATALL.

Mehr for being my bestest ever friend, someone i could just blindly trust, i'd give her my heart and i'd still breathe because i know she'd take care of it, Mehr i love you more than anything....ever ever ever!!!!!

Saadia for being me, for being there, for being herself, for cheering me up in a single clap of a hand, for taking me out for pizza, teaching me maths, and for being my cuddly teddy bear.Saadia i love you for who you are....for being teddy bear, for being " heina na" for being" yesh yesh" and for being Saadia!!!

Saniya for being my smile, for being the cutest girl i've ever talked to, for always being there to listen and to give me all the smiles that she does...for just talking to me, and being there to make those cute embarrassed smileys and for looking up to me, Saniya i love you my smile!!

Rabiya for being my soulmate, for being the lovliest most cuddliest girl that ever existed, for telling me to sleep eveyrtime, for making drawings for me and for thinking the same way that i do, for being haunted2bwanted and for being the most liveliest full of life person that i've ever met, Rabiya i love u chotu:)

These four people mean the world to me, they are my best friends my life my eveyrthing, love u people!!!

The journey through a dream!!!

2004-09-27T09:04:00.000+05:00

Ich, fühlt den Traum Gemüt übernehme, über Körper, über allen, die jetzt ist. Nichts, gemacht zu werden, mehr aufgehalten zu werden.

Translation:- "Mind I, feels would receive the dream, over body, over all, that is now. Nothing to be made, to be delayed more. "

Seems as if dreams have taken over, i don't want to wake up anymore, the dreams are better than reality...aren't they always???
But i guess i have to live, nothing to be delayed more, no more lies no more pain!!!

I'd like to thank Miss Keeley Hearn for helping me out with this, she just wrote this phrase when i asked her to write something i felt and this is exactly what i felt ...